amen brother, amen

Ironically, it's this same malignant narcissism, revealing itself through whining, arrogance, avarice, pique, anxiety, severity, defensive cynicism, and aggressive ambition, that is keeping the vainglorious out of their paradise. Among our egocentric sad-sacks, despair is as addictive as heroin and more popular then sex, for the single reason that when one is unhappy one gets to pay a lot of attention to oneself. Misery becomes a kind of emotional masturbation. Taken out on others, depression becomes a weapon. But for those willing to reduce and permeate their ego, to laugh--or meow--it into submission, heaven on earth is a distinct psychological possibility.

--Tom Robbins
In Defiance of Gravity

shimmy

the sunrise this morning was like a scene from a michael mann christmas movie shot in north dakota.

what I mean to say is, it was beautiful.

mornings are something I had to get used to, which is a shame, because there is just as much beauty there as there is at night.

as I work on all the things I need to change in my life, looking at the world in a different light (so to speak) is just par for the course. I don't believe that I have changed inside, but that my interaction with the external has become somewhat more involved. simply put: I'm not sleeping as much.

I mean that in the best possible way.

I look forward to more sunrises and more sunsets and all the things that come before and after.


I think me, I want life,
I think me, I want a house and a wife,
I want to shimmy- shimmy- shimmy through the break of dawn, yeah.
-system of a down 

new and improved ways to annoy your friends

I love shit like this. It makes you all work for my love.

If your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.

Do it!

I have a feeling it wouldn't matter anyway

i'm just a boy whose intentions are good,
oh, lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

there is no poetry here today.
don't know if that marks progress or a lack of it.
but the things that I mean aren't usually taken the right way.
so I have to remind people that I am only a man,
and not a great one.

I against I against I against I

there are things in my life that I am trying to achieve.
there are people in my life that I am trying to relate to.
there are mistakes in my past that I am finally leaving behind.
and, in the midst of all of this, there is day to day life.

it always comes down to a lack of understanding.
and then life gets in the way before we can explain.

I never mean
I'm never mean
and
I don't love
I don't love
but
I can't move if
I can't move
and
I won't live
I won't live

so if this changes how each of you and I are with one another,
I'm sorry for that. it's not forever,
but it's how it's got to be.

I've got to find some laughter, when you laugh they can't kill ya

I got the devil in me,
sadness, it's a cloud

****************

if you can ever remember
the place where dying first appeared.
not death, which was a comic book
or a cat gone to hunt farm mice,
but dying. it wasn't a horror,
it wasn't a nightmare, or even
a mystery. it was eventual.
even to a little boy
at 11.
who knew as much about time as he did 
about alters and living and about being god.

you used to eat it up
didn't you?
back then, when november was like the plague
and the possibilities still seemed,
in a word, endless.
there was no reason to doubt.
life was so eventual
that you swore you were middle aged
at 21.
the only alters you saw were old 
enough that they couldn't touch you.

but now the sun sets lower.
the sunset, slower.
you don't pretend to be disinterested
anymore, you just are.
the cruelty at the center of you
has bled its way to all of your extremities,
making your touch like the glass between
a snowstorm and a warm house.
at 31
life is so eventual that the only
alters you touch are the ones that make you older.

11/16/2005
manic 

pop quiz, asshole

are the wrong things important to me, or are the wrong things important to the rest of the world? 

and then there is real life

welcome to the suck

bored at work = time spent reading

"As a solid rock cannot be shaken by the wind, so the spiritually mature person is unmoved by blame and praise." 
- Gautama Buddha

basic

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men."

Sometimes I pray, waiting, waiting for some bright holiday.


** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **


I may rue the new routine.
You make certain things tougher to make others easier.

I will continue to whistle while I work.
Though I may just change my tune.

I know what it means to be turned on
and to be honest, sometimes it's a turn off.

I am sure that if there is any sun in my sky at all,
things are exactly as they seem.

"So I bought myself a gun.
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from."

noteworthy

This has been, hands down, the best weekend I've had in a long, long time. Let's start with the fact that it was an actual weekend. Two days off. In a row. I didn't work at the Pub on Saturday night, and that alone would be cause to celebrate, but there's more. Let us start at the beginning.

Friday I took a half day at work, but like a fool got roped in to a delicious meal at DeLorenzo's. I really had no choice at all. Sausage and garlic pie should be administered by prescription, it's just that fucking addictive. Then I did all the things I had to do before the weekend, some errands, oil change, shopping, yadda yadda yadda. That night I had a spectacular dinner with Lauren, who I had not spent time with, or even really talked to in a few months. It was a lovely evening, good conversation, (thankfully) no weirdness or bad vibes, and a good meal. It was her birthday dinner, so I took her to a Japanese restaurant called Sagami that is well known for their sushi, plus I got her a little something. And I think she liked the card as well. She didn't even mind that I was burping up an horrific garlic smell all night long(thanks Fran).

Saturday some of the boys and I headed down to the City by the Atlantic for Frank's birthday celebration. We had a really expensive meal at the Hard Rock Cafe, then a friend of ours who manages the place took half off the bill. SCHWEET! Dinner was ok, but I was shocked to find that Jay's martini cost almost half as much as my new york strip, which I thought was a bit overpriced anyway. Then it was off to the Borgata for a night with the man himself, Henry Rollins. I have not seen Hank's spoken word in years, and it was nice to catch up with him. Also, before the show I put on a brilliant display of poker prowess, sitting at a 2-4 hold'em table and making $70 in less than 40 minutes.

Today was the spectacular finish to cap it all. As I was heading to AC last night I got a phone call from my friend Derek who invited me to the Giants' game. He got free tickets from his boss and there were plenty to go around. We headed up there around 2, got in the lot for some tailgating by 3:15 and were comfortably settled in for the kickoff. This was it, the first time seeing my beloved Giants play live. The game was a bit of a heart breaker all the way up until the final quarter. The boys in blue were down 20-10 with just over 13 minutes left in the game when the offense finally showed up and got them within striking distance. Then the defense actually showed up too and held Denver to a 3 and out with about five minutes left. Then they started the drive, and inexplicably, they won it. I mean, they were getting their asses kicked all game, half the fans left at the beginning of the fourth quarter, and they put together two great drives and a defensive stand to win the game with five seconds left. It was amazing. I was so damn happy that I couldn't stop smiling the whole way home. I wrapped up the night and the weekend with a nice little late night supper and some grand conversation with Mike at the diner. And all is right in the universe. 

this couch is a war crime

"we are all just big, wet respiring bags of recessive traits."

Rollins was pretty good.
I liked him more when he talked about his personal life more, 
but I imagine that as he grew his experiences just started to
have more to do with his constant performing than with connecting
on an individual level.
and he probably got tired of talking about the same shit over and over.

he still kicks ass though.

Don't panic

no, I was actually just trying to ward off any vampires that might have been lurking.

that's it. 

oh, and I'm getting the tattoo

for the record...
yes I did wash it

yes I did give up

and yes, it fucking works again.

Apple Rules!

my iPod works after being run through the washing machine.

unreal.

I am now getting an Apple Logo tattoo.

who's buying? 

knowledge base

anyone looking for a sure fire way to render an iPod Shuffle absolutely useless, take my advice:

Run it through your washing machine.

It's just that easy. 

Strange Weather

Will you take me across the channel,
London bridge is falling down.
Strange a woman tries to save
What a man will try to drown.
And he's the rain that they predicted,
Its the forecast every time.
The rose has died because you picked it
And i believe that brandy's mine.

And all over the world
Strangers
Talk only about the weather.
All over the world
It's the same
It's the same
It's the same.

The world is getting flatter,
The sky is falling all around.
And nothing is the matter
For i never cry in town.
And a love like ours, my dear,
Is best measured when its down.
And i never buy umbrellas,
For there's always one around.

And all over the world
strangers
talk only about the weather.
all over the world
it's the same
It's the same
It's the same.

And you know that its beginning,
And you know that its the end
When once again we are strangers
And the fog comes rolling in.

And all over the world
Strangers
Talk only about the weather.
All over the world
It's the same
It's the same
It's the same

Tom Waits

That's a fact, Jack

Joe loved "A History of Violence"

that is all.

actually, it's not.
something is up. the restlessness that usually plagues me during spring has made a rather dramatic and ill-timed appearance in my life.

it's fucking autumn. i should not be like this.
i feel like joining the circus, but not really.
i need something to do. someone to do it with. and somewhere at which to do it.

jeez. 
my mind is flying.
it's like i'm tweaked out or something.

:: where does it go ::

Rage! La rage contre le mourir de la lumière.

apparently feelings just aren't supposed to last.

even when you etch them into metal with a laser.

c'est la vie.

A l'enfer avec la vie!

La perte de quelqu'un si merveilleux est pénible.

Je ne sais pas où être dans les vies de la plupart des gens. 

"Hell clearly does not serve any interests of its residents."

I guess it's called Sweet Executioner

i am the sweetest executioner
but i'm not here to hear you weep
my only emotions are brazen mutinies
your only reactions are screams of joy
i am the sweetest executioner
toiling through nights to ease your pain

i am the company you won't keep again
leaving behind your tales of woe
truth is an ice pick, and while i'm stabbing you
your only way out is to ask for more
i am the sweetest executioner
touching your skin instead of letting you go

i am the masterpiece of distraction
casting the shadows on your doubt
fear is a constant, hunger a fickle friend
your only release is a wicked sin
i am the sweetest executioner
plotting my sweet revenge on your love

i am the last breath a fire takes
snuffed in the darkness deep in you
memory is random, and choice is just as cruel
your only grace is the saving kind
i am the sweetest executioner
ready and willing to begin again

i am the sweetest executioner
but i'm not here to make you weep
my only emotions are failing mutinies
your only reactions are horrific smiles
i am the sweetest executioner
one last job to ease our pain

9/19/2005
manic

quote unquote

Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life.

This is what you're doing on Sunday

If you need directions, leave a reply here, drop me an email, or just give me a call.

Don't hate the amateur digital photographer on rollerblades taking pictures of deer, hate the game..

i played hookey on friday, first time at the new gig.
i still can't believe i'm getting paid for what i do, even when i'm not there.

shot myself a round of golf. had fun.
saw 40-Year-Old Virgin yesterday with Frank and Mike. had fun.
worked the pub last night, which was very slow. made some dough.
played pitch-n-putt at Mo'Ville Golf Farm and got a hole in one. had fun.
also saw Must Love Dogs (with another man, even). great film.

but the important news is this:

Sunday, September 4th.
Labor Day Weekend.
Two Weeks from today.

CRUCIAL BAR-B-Q!

Free food, free beer, tons of fun, and live music by The Frantic.

at my place in beautiful downtown Yardville, New Jersey.

There will be more details and shit to follow, but all of you simply must mark your calendars because it will be one for the books. 

your tax dollars at work...

even

you can't forget me
'cause you never knew me

all of your stares 
and your lies pass right through me

the times that we kissed
you were kissing a stranger

the nights that I held you
you were sleeping with danger

and all of your words that I chose to believe
are prayers that I heard over deaths that I grieve
and all of my words that you won't hear no more
are lives that I'll send you to even the score
even the score

there's laws of attraction
and that's what you're breaking

I paid the price
and my hands are still shaking

a year of my life
now it's over and gone

guess my only revenge
is to keep moving on

and all of your words that I chose to believe
are prayers that I heard over deaths that I grieve
and all of my words that you won't hear no more
are lives that I'll send you to even the score
even the score

I can't forget you
'cause love isn't like that

and I don't regret you
but you'll never get that

I don't believe
there were any mistakes

just a difference in score
on the gives and the takes

and all of your words that I chose to believe
are prayers that I heard over deaths that I grieve
and all of my words that you won't hear no more
are lives that I'll send you to even the score
even the score 

bzzzzzzzz

there is a connection to something larger.
whatever you want to call it, whatever makes you more comfortable discussing it.

I felt it rather strongly again Friday, while standing in the sand.

sometimes in life we are in a place where we can't feel that connection. it is not ever truly gone, no matter how tenuous it becomes, but we no longer feel it in ourselves. like driving through a tunnel with satellite radio.

the signal is still there, even when we are not receiving it.

i am going to plug in and hear it. loudly. 

whether man

there is one serious thunderstorm going on outside.

simplification is a process that I always relied on, but I kind of had it wrong. I was the same way with discipline. I try to instill discipline when I should just use restraint.

I am a passionate person. I let my emotions affect my judgment. Hell, I count on my emotions as part of the decision making process. Emotions, instinct, judgment, thought, rationalization.

I am often impulsive. I don't really think some things through, I just say or do them. But I always accept responsibility for what I have done. I never set out to hurt anyone. Sometimes people do get hurt. Usually me.

Woe is me! Boo hoo. Yeah, I know. The world hates a cry baby.

Anyway, back to simplification. Like the ascetics of old, I sometimes seek to simplify my life, and offer myself a structure that I believe will lead to discipline, which will curtail my impulses and lead me to a more stable life. Less spending, better diet, more exercise, less TV, less computer, no gambling, no drinking. All the things that I know I over-indulge in from time to time. I am a sensualist, what can I say? But I always over-do it. I go to extremes even in my simplification process. Instead of just drinking less, I quit entirely. Instead of a better over all diet, I pledge to do unrealistic things. Instead of a nice, slow process of fitness I go to the gym like a madman until I hurt myself or get burnt out. Instead of stepping back from situations and letting things cool down, I excise people completely from my life.

This has been something of a modus operandi of mine.

What do you call all of this irrational behavior, to what do I attribute it?
Irish temper? Aries nature? Manic depression? Hot blooded? Childish? Weak? Lazy? Temperamental? Insane?

Within the last year I started opening myself up to the possibility of sharing my life with someone again. I figured that I was finally at a point where I was getting all my own shit together, ready to be with someone. Make a future. Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe I still have a few things to work out.

or maybe I'm not the one who is fucked up at all. I'm just me. Living my life the only way I can. We all have problems, mine are small compared to a lot of people. My choices have led me here, and I don't regret most of them. I imagine that everyone has an odd regret or two. On the big things, like the kind of person I choose to be, well I have no regrets there. Even if I do still have some things to figure out.

there is one serious thunderstorm going on inside. 

world view

I don't pay enough attention to political news, mainly because every time I do I get depressed over the state of affairs in this country, which I do love. My new job affords me a bit of time each day to catch up on current events, and this has done very little to stifle my cynicism. But I did find this nugget today to keep me afloat.

The link is to a CNN.com article about the U.N. Appointment.

...Bush - who has the lowest approval rating of a second-term president since Nixon during the Watergate scandal...


of course I am disenfranchised with my government, and it pisses me off to no end. we're not supposed to feel helpless at home, we're not supposed to fear our own rulers.



I know I have a voice
I know it's seldom heard
I know I have a choice
I know it's just a word
I know I have a bill of rights
I know it's 'cause I'm here
I know I have a chance to fight
I know there's much to fear
I know I have a say
I know my land is great
I know I have to find a way
I hope it's not too late 

news of the day

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me. 
It can only be one word. 
No more. 
Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.


**********************

apparently the head of the FTC had her credit card data stolen. I finally found a good example of irony on CNN.com that didn't make me cry.


some of the hostages from the American Embassy in Iran thing back in the 70's have noticed that the guy who was just elected President of that nation was one of their captors. it's still up for discussion as to whether these people really recognize the guy or not, but I kinda side with the traumatized when it comes to memory. I know that while good times pop up once in a while in my skull, the bad shit that happened to me is right there, ripe for the picking. it's also interesting to note that while Bush calls terrorists cowards, and Bill Maher was practically crucified for saying otherwise, at least the guys running the countries who want to fuck us up aren't afraid to get in there and do some of the work themselves, not watching from the Luxury Skyboxes like our so-called Commander-in-Chief.


and finally, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has tendered her resignation from the US Supreme Court. To quote one of those bands the crazy kids listen to these days: "It's the end of the world as we know it..."
The lunatic soldier of christ in the white house will now get to begin his appointment of evil minions to the already slightly loopy bench (anyone see that ruling on eminent domain?).
At least Sandy went out swinging, writing an inspiring dissenting opinion on the aforementioned decision regarding the little-respected property rights of individuals. You're either with Corporate America or you're against them (and probably not so well off).

but they didn't play it

Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades,
waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved
while you're taking your time with apologies,
I'm making my plans for revenge
Red eyes on orange horizons
If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge
I'd drive straight off the edge

Taking your own life with boredom,
I'm taking my own life with wine -
it helps you to rule out the sorrow,
it helps me to empty my mind
Making the most of a bad time
I'm smoking the brains from my head
Leaving the coal calling the kettle black and orange and red
This kettle is seeing red

I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling
In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying
I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,
plugged in and ready to fall

Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades,
waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved
while you're taking your time with apologies,
I'm planning out my revenge
Red eyes on orange horizons
If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge
I'm seeing red

I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling
In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying
I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,
plugged in and ready to fall

Plugged in and ready to fall
Plugged in and ready to fall
Plugged in and ready to fall 

Pass the lord and praise the ammunition...

I just finished reading Nietzsche's "The Anti-Christ" as translated by H.L. Mencken

here are some of the juicier bits:

From Mencken's introduction-

it is always in a democratic society that heresy and felony tend to be most constantly confused

The majority of men prefer delusion to truth. It sooths. It is easy to grasp. Above all, it fits more snugly than the truth into a universe of false appearances - of complex and irrational phenomena, defectively grasped.

Of all the religions ever devised by the great practical jokers of the race, this is the one that offers most for the least money, so to speak, to the inferior man.

It is a pity that Holy Church has no process for the elevation of demons, like its process for the canonization of saints.

From the text-

I call an animal, a species, an individual corrupt, when it loses its instincts, when it chooses, when it prefers what is injurious to it.

Upon the theological instinct I make war: I find the tracks of it everywhere. Whoever has the theological blood in his veins is shifty and dishonorable in all things. The pathetic thing that grows out of this condition is called faith: in other words, closing one's eyes upon falsehood. People erect a concept of morality, of virtue, of holiness upon this false view of things; they ground good conscience upon faulty vision; they argue that no other sort of vision has value any more, once they have made theirs sacrosanct with the names of "God," "salvation," and "eternity."

Mankind has just as much need for an evil god as for a good god.

Love is the state in which man sees things most decidedly as they are not.

There was only one Christian, and he died on the cross.

it is Christianity, let us not doubt, and Christian valuations, which convert every revolution into a carnival of blood and crime.

Morality is the best of all devices for leading mankind by the nose.

Paul was the greatest of all apostles of revenge...

Man has had to fight for every atom of the truth, and has to pay for it almost everything that the heart, that human love, that human trust cling to. Greatness of soul is needed for this business: the service of truth is the hardest of all services.

-fanatics are picturesque, and mankind prefers observing poses to listening to reasons...

Christianity, alcohol--the two great means of corruption


I always like reading Nietzsche, even though he comes off as a jackass sometimes, because I equate him to one of those curmudgeonly old men who don't care about any kind of political correctness or sensitivity. They just say what they really believe and sometimes it's right on the money. 

These days of blood, eyes of fire

i know i've gone through bouts of self-loathing in my past. but i can't believe i would let something like this happen. i can be so fucking stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

consideration:

it's only a distraction to you
a small problem, annoying
but to the bug on your windshield
it was his whole life 

perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself...

"my life is hype, my love is hype"

ok. i've got the job. it's not a great job by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not bad, and the benefits are great. easy money, healthcare, the hours are cake.

i'm weening myself off the bullshit vampire lifestyle. now I'm not saying that sleeping in and staying up all night isn't fun, but after a while it just drains you. and getting back into the swing of things is turning out to be a serious pain in the ass. but i know things are getting better every day.

contrary to what some people think of me, i am a motivated person. i do have goals and a direction in life, i just don't follow the standard path. sometimes i wish i had been content to play the game the normal way, but deep down i know that way will never be for me. anything that i accomplish in my life will almost definitely be according to MY plan, and after some serious consideration i realize the value of staying true to what i feel inside and not trying to cater to the views of others, no matter how much i want to please them.

if i wind up doing this lowly state job for ever, or if i wind up as a sheriff's officer, or a screenwriter, or i'm bartender forever, it will be my choice. while i believe that we have certain responsibilities in life to other people, to society in general, even to the greater good of the world, i also believe that our first responsibility is to ourselves.

i might never be a great man. in fact, as i gambler i know that the odds are stacked very strongly against it. but i do know that i am a good man, so fuck anyone who thinks i'm not good enough for them.
no one knows what the future holds, or who they hold in the future.

enough of this, i have things to do. 

Lost and profound

I start a new job on Monday. This makes me happy.

It will also be a bit of a change for me, as the bartender lifestyle begins to fall by the wayside. These days I usually don't get up until 9 or 10, sometimes even 11. I relax all morning, read the paper, have a nice, leisurely breakfast. No hurries, no worries. Kill time during the day at the gym or maybe on the computer or reading a book or playing my guitar. Perhaps out for a bite to eat with one of the guys, or a bike ride or some other adventure with Lauren. Then at night I would either work or go out. A few hours at the pub, or at a show, or any number of other places people go at night when they don't have to get up in the morning. Even if I get home before 2:30 I most likely go online before bed, then I crawl under the blanket around 3:30 or 4 am.

I start a new job on Monday. This makes me realize I won't be sleeping in any longer.

But at least I am going out with a bang. The last week as a Lost Boy (as I was told). But I know I'm gonna stay young until I die. This week has been a nice send off though. Friday night was the show of shows, Anthrax. Kick ass tunes, metal insanity, and all captured for a DVD. With any luck my seizure-like dance routines will be a featured extra on the disc. Saturday I saw The Lords of Dogtown. That was a pretty kick-ass little film there. I can't really say more than what Frank was wise enough to utter: "Finally they made a skateboarding movie that works." Sunday I was almost assassinated by my good buddy Lauren who cunningly used, as her weapons of choice, a long rocky tow path near the canal and my own bicycle. A grueling ride, an out of breath young man, and the fear of imminent cardiac arrest. Quite the fun day, except for almost dying. Monday day was spent recuperating, but then I played my first night in a poker league. It was kind of fun to get back into the game, and I took second place in a field of about 40. Tuesday marked my triumphant return to Great Adventure. I rode (after waiting nearly 4 hours) the "tallest, fastest roller-coaster in the world." It also has one of the worst names: Kinda Kaa. It may be named after one of the stunning white Bengal Tigers that now call the park home, if so, the name is forgiven. The ride, simply put, was incredible. You are shot out at 128 mph towards a 400+ foot hill, then you spin your way back down the other side. It was very intense. I also recommend the Superman ride to anyone who cares to brave the crowds at our nifty local Six Flags Park. Tonight was some more live music fun as Lucero played the Northstar Bar in Filthadelphia. NE Philly is a shithole, but as Joe so wisely observed, all the best bars are in shitty parts of town. The band was great, as they were the last time I saw them, but the kicker was they played Chain Link Fence this time (albeit a faster than normal version) and a fucking amazing rendition of Hate and Jealousy. So I got to hear my two favorite songs from one of my current favorite bands. Tomorrow I don't have any exciting plans, but I am working for a bit so that I'll have some money for Saturday when I head to Atlantic City for the tattoo convention. Then perhaps another suicide run with Lauren on Sunday. An then it's fucking on.

I start a new job on Monday. I wonder what will become of me next week.