whether man

there is one serious thunderstorm going on outside.

simplification is a process that I always relied on, but I kind of had it wrong. I was the same way with discipline. I try to instill discipline when I should just use restraint.

I am a passionate person. I let my emotions affect my judgment. Hell, I count on my emotions as part of the decision making process. Emotions, instinct, judgment, thought, rationalization.

I am often impulsive. I don't really think some things through, I just say or do them. But I always accept responsibility for what I have done. I never set out to hurt anyone. Sometimes people do get hurt. Usually me.

Woe is me! Boo hoo. Yeah, I know. The world hates a cry baby.

Anyway, back to simplification. Like the ascetics of old, I sometimes seek to simplify my life, and offer myself a structure that I believe will lead to discipline, which will curtail my impulses and lead me to a more stable life. Less spending, better diet, more exercise, less TV, less computer, no gambling, no drinking. All the things that I know I over-indulge in from time to time. I am a sensualist, what can I say? But I always over-do it. I go to extremes even in my simplification process. Instead of just drinking less, I quit entirely. Instead of a better over all diet, I pledge to do unrealistic things. Instead of a nice, slow process of fitness I go to the gym like a madman until I hurt myself or get burnt out. Instead of stepping back from situations and letting things cool down, I excise people completely from my life.

This has been something of a modus operandi of mine.

What do you call all of this irrational behavior, to what do I attribute it?
Irish temper? Aries nature? Manic depression? Hot blooded? Childish? Weak? Lazy? Temperamental? Insane?

Within the last year I started opening myself up to the possibility of sharing my life with someone again. I figured that I was finally at a point where I was getting all my own shit together, ready to be with someone. Make a future. Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe I still have a few things to work out.

or maybe I'm not the one who is fucked up at all. I'm just me. Living my life the only way I can. We all have problems, mine are small compared to a lot of people. My choices have led me here, and I don't regret most of them. I imagine that everyone has an odd regret or two. On the big things, like the kind of person I choose to be, well I have no regrets there. Even if I do still have some things to figure out.

there is one serious thunderstorm going on inside.