I go on benders of self-destruction

Every day I miss something different. Last night was definitely the shoulder rub. Today is a toss up between two things because something good happened to her and I didn't really get to hear about it, and I'm nursing a sore throat so I know I would have gotten better care than I am currently giving myself.

I've gotten a bit philosophical about the whole thing, not just my current situation but the lack of companionship I've had in my life in general. When I stopped to think about it though, I was wrong on one very important point. I said that nobody wants to have a casual physical relationship with me. I said this mostly because of my Low S.O. and a few theories I have on sex and the female mind. Turns on when I look back over my life, I've only ever had casual physical relationships. I've never had an intimate relationship with someone who really cared about me, and I am ever so damaged because of that. Twice it was with someone I couldn't care less about. And I felt just about terrible afterwards. One time was with someone I was really into, but couldn't possibly have a future with. The others I was the guy who cared with the girl who didn't. They write entire psych text books about people who confuse sex and love, I can't imagine what chapters would be devoted to someone like me. I'm almost at the point now where I think that if you want to fool around with me, you must really dislike me. I can't seem to make a meaningful connection with anyone who looks past that night. Whine Whine Whine. I know it sounds like I'm painting my life a certain way, but I'm not. I am alone 99 percent of the time. I would rather find the one percent that wants to stick around. I really do miss Lauren, and it sucks that I thought she was the one.

let's hear it for Lucero, and thanks to Meg up in beantown for turning me onto them.


Sweet Little Thing
Sweet little thing
A constant in my thoughts
Sweet little thing
Somehow we both got lost
And you tell me I can't change
And you say I'm such a boy

Sweet little thing
Your friends say I'm no good
Sweet little thing
They never understood
The way I'd stay up all night
The way I'd tremble in your arms

A kiss'll make you close your eyes
But a kiss won't make you stay
Please don't walk away
I like to know you're there
Though there's nothing left to say
Please don't walk away

Sweet little thing
Maybe I ain't no good
Sweet little thing
I ain't done what I should
I let 'em think what they want
But all I want is you

--Lucero, from Tennessee


the words and the music say it all. I also saw Green Day last night at Irving Plaza. Good time, and I think I'm getting over my odd thing with NYC. I might take up spending more time there once the dust has settled on my finances. This weekend in pretty important in my life. Odd to think that two days can affect so much. Then there's the few hours next month. I've gone beyond wondering, now I just need to make the good things happen. And how.