Well, if she hadn't left me before, she prolly would have this week anyway. I'm officially sick, and anyone who knows me knows I am a miserable fucking bastard of a man when I am under the weather. Seriously, I could make a nun want to kill me when I am sick.
Strep throat. My tonsils were so swollen this morning that I could barely breathe. $120 later and I have some anti-biotics and a dash of hope that I will be better soon. Not having health insurance sucks.
The f'ed up part is, apart from my throat, and the whole barely able to breathe/not able to swallow thing, I feel pretty good. Emotionally I'm still sad, but I don't feel helpless or totally miserable. I had a good time at the show, work hasn't been as horrible as it was the last few weeks, and Dennis Farina is on Law & Order now. I might actually take up watching TV again on Wednesday nights. Smallville and then L&O. Hopefully Kristin can look at the apartment on Friday, I'm anxious to know if I'm gonna be moving soon or not.
The question that haunts me, as I'm sure it haunts everyone who is in my shoes, is: Will I ever find the right person? You keep trying different people out, and finding yourself in situations that are either unfamiliar or too familiar. But when is the right situation gonna come along. Timing, needs, attraction, fulfillment. Total package. It's a very big "IF" and I'm not sure that anyone can be totally secure in answering it until it's behind them. Even then, with what is going on in certain friends' lives, how can you ever be sure, or at least secure. Lonliness is a bitch, but nothing compared to betrayal or loss. Since there is no way to ever be completely sure about someone, I have to think the way I've been going about things is the right one. Learn someone, love them if and when it feels right, and risk the big hurt. I'm really no worse off for it, am I?
Every day I miss something different. Last night was definitely the shoulder rub. Today is a toss up between two things because something good happened to her and I didn't really get to hear about it, and I'm nursing a sore throat so I know I would have gotten better care than I am currently giving myself.
I've gotten a bit philosophical about the whole thing, not just my current situation but the lack of companionship I've had in my life in general. When I stopped to think about it though, I was wrong on one very important point. I said that nobody wants to have a casual physical relationship with me. I said this mostly because of my Low S.O. and a few theories I have on sex and the female mind. Turns on when I look back over my life, I've only ever had casual physical relationships. I've never had an intimate relationship with someone who really cared about me, and I am ever so damaged because of that. Twice it was with someone I couldn't care less about. And I felt just about terrible afterwards. One time was with someone I was really into, but couldn't possibly have a future with. The others I was the guy who cared with the girl who didn't. They write entire psych text books about people who confuse sex and love, I can't imagine what chapters would be devoted to someone like me. I'm almost at the point now where I think that if you want to fool around with me, you must really dislike me. I can't seem to make a meaningful connection with anyone who looks past that night. Whine Whine Whine. I know it sounds like I'm painting my life a certain way, but I'm not. I am alone 99 percent of the time. I would rather find the one percent that wants to stick around. I really do miss Lauren, and it sucks that I thought she was the one.
let's hear it for Lucero, and thanks to Meg up in beantown for turning me onto them.
Sweet Little Thing
Sweet little thing
A constant in my thoughts
Sweet little thing
Somehow we both got lost
And you tell me I can't change
And you say I'm such a boy
Sweet little thing
Your friends say I'm no good
Sweet little thing
They never understood
The way I'd stay up all night
The way I'd tremble in your arms
A kiss'll make you close your eyes
But a kiss won't make you stay
Please don't walk away
I like to know you're there
Though there's nothing left to say
Please don't walk away
Sweet little thing
Maybe I ain't no good
Sweet little thing
I ain't done what I should
I let 'em think what they want
But all I want is you
--Lucero, from Tennessee
the words and the music say it all. I also saw Green Day last night at Irving Plaza. Good time, and I think I'm getting over my odd thing with NYC. I might take up spending more time there once the dust has settled on my finances. This weekend in pretty important in my life. Odd to think that two days can affect so much. Then there's the few hours next month. I've gone beyond wondering, now I just need to make the good things happen. And how.
It took a second to register up in my cranium
'cause life had burned me deeper than some weapons grade uranium
My eyes had had enough it was time to do some walking
I had to make sense of all the nonsense we were talking
Now mostly I've been sleepin. I never was out peepin' for the ladies.
So she creeped in like a breeze. And when she stuck around, there had to be a reason. Ooo, I thought I'd take a chance 'cause for all things there is a season.
We got into the groove without me ever trying to make a move
I didn't have a thing to prove
Next thing you know we got together, damn I'd hoped we'd be forever, guess I just assumed too much and know I'm soaked in stormy weather
She said for birds to fly together depends if they're of a feather, and we're not yo. But me I just don't know.
They'll be no suicide attempts for this cold old kid, 'cause you know there's other fish, in the sea that is.
I reminisce, try to clear up all the myths and then I sift through all the shit that holds us back.
Not even friends now and I wish I had a way but now some things that have come out have broke the camel's weary back.
I am what I am still, my heart's like an anvil.
Been pounded on so long I know just how much I can handle.
But men aren't supposed to be the one's that want the whole deal. They run away from marriage and the future makes them squeal. Family oriented, with no orientation.
But dames they never claim me less they live across the nation.
A hero is a sandwich and a pork roll is a meal, a marriage is a paper but I'm saying what I feel.
This is the deal dapper, I won't go tumblin' after, the girl I thought would hold me but just pushed me down faster.
The reason I can say so is because I'm sick of this. I know what my own worth is and your reasons are all shit.
Maybe I don't suit ya and I guess I'm not your size, but you're passing on a future with a heart that's world wide.
And if you open up your eyes, which by the way I really wish. I hope you don't think any less when I swim with other fish in the sea.
Now if there ain't no mountain high enough, why don't you cycle up. My hand it was extended ever since the day I texted to you. I thought you knew me but you didn't even know me, girl you showed me, when I thought I'd captured cupid but you said that we weren't two of a kind.
I'm all heart you're all mind. You're still out searching churches for things I don't need to find. But even if that's just some, it's still too much to overcome. Because I believe in feelings and you seem to think that's dumb.
And now the big man is stealing my hope away. I'd charge him like a bull but his pull is strong as crazy glue.
The girls I gave my heart to, the ones that came before you,
they never lived up to my dreams the way I found that you do.
But hey diddle diddle I can't play second fiddle to no God and stand firm on this, it's not meant as a dis, even if I miss your kiss your happiness I wish, it's just the pits that I need the other fish in the sea.
a whole lot
so damn much
bigger than life
fucking unreal
i'm like one of those new garbage bags that stretches out in a billion different directions. but I will break. especially my heart. and I'm fucking sick and fucking tired to the point of suicide of meeting women who decide either right away or, God forbid, down the line that they want me in their life, but only as a f-r-i-e-n-d. i'm going to make business cards that I hand out to females when i meet them. they are going to say James F. Hunt. Maybe I'll put Esquire, if I'm feeling Bill and Ted at the moment, and my address and phone number. And then in 16 point Helvetica: I HAVE ENOUGH FUCKING FRIENDS IN MY LIFE and P.S. - none of them ever hurt me.
this is not her fault, so no one bash. it just wasn't meant to be. and the beginning was great, i LOVE falling in LOVE. it's a thing to be celebrated, not feared. (Guess that's another point of contention, huh sweets) No doubt, no worry, just folly, fun, and good feelings. We all remember it, right? I'm gonna be in and out of my mind for a while. and missing someone that is right around my life's corner. (p.s.- since I'm talking distance here, if you are reading this, you should never have been jealous of Natasha). I'm gonna take for granted that the guys with the history of disappearing after getting pages, guys who tell stories about me going to prison, and guys with chicken holiday histories are all going to forgive me at the end of this. Because they are my friends and they mean to stand by me in all storms, even the stupid little ones I created myself, by getting out there again.
it's been yet another summer, winding down. with a new love and a new loss and a strange way to have someone enter my heart. i'd be very willing to risk it again. love is worth the struggle.
Don't no me
I believe in the myth of romance
I'm a weakling in the face of beauty
But I am fearless when it comes to loving
Just in case you don't know me
The world around me never ceases to astound me
And the world we live in still makes me laugh
There's a line I try to walk between both worlds
Just in case you don't know me
This may seem like a strange introduction
Especially if you're used to "can I buy you a drink"
But it is all stuff I thought you should know
Just in case you don't no me
7.4.97
uh huh
I don't need to write anymore. As long as the dominant emotions in my life relate to pain and loss I can just recycle my old stuff over and over.
Prometheus' Lament
You divorced yourself from my life
I'm paid an alimony of casual glances
In brilliant, drunken hours I know I'm right
While I pray on a rosary of discarded chances
But your children may feel they know me
And I secretly show the whole world my regret
It's a broken down theater with no place to be
Full of angels whose ghosts curse the day that we met
I'm bound to you
And wound all around you
I swear that it's true
And now that I've found you
I won't let you go again
without telling you I love you
12.16.00
manic throughout history
I'm wrung out from worrying
Where it all went wrong
Trying to find reasons
Why I shouldn't go on
Some would see the glass half empty
Some would see it half full
I just put it to my lips
And take another pull
She ain't leavin'
She's gone
The years that I gave her
Now don't mean a thing
And only her kiss could it
Vanquish my pain
But neither her kiss nor her whisper
Will I know again
If the river was whiskey
I'd crawl down and roll in
She ain't leavin'
She's gone
Wherever she lays restful tonight
She knows what she is doin' ain't right
I can tell by the way she danced out that door
She ain't comin' back no more
And I gotta find someone new to live on for
In my cavern of emptiness
Blows a bitter cold wind
My heart sags like a willow
And my will has run thin
But I'm on my way to
The bottom of this glass
And if the Lord tells the truth
Then this too, shall pass
She ain't leavin'
She's gone
--P.W. Long
