there is one serious thunderstorm going on outside.
simplification is a process that I always relied on, but I kind of had it wrong. I was the same way with discipline. I try to instill discipline when I should just use restraint.
I am a passionate person. I let my emotions affect my judgment. Hell, I count on my emotions as part of the decision making process. Emotions, instinct, judgment, thought, rationalization.
I am often impulsive. I don't really think some things through, I just say or do them. But I always accept responsibility for what I have done. I never set out to hurt anyone. Sometimes people do get hurt. Usually me.
Woe is me! Boo hoo. Yeah, I know. The world hates a cry baby.
Anyway, back to simplification. Like the ascetics of old, I sometimes seek to simplify my life, and offer myself a structure that I believe will lead to discipline, which will curtail my impulses and lead me to a more stable life. Less spending, better diet, more exercise, less TV, less computer, no gambling, no drinking. All the things that I know I over-indulge in from time to time. I am a sensualist, what can I say? But I always over-do it. I go to extremes even in my simplification process. Instead of just drinking less, I quit entirely. Instead of a better over all diet, I pledge to do unrealistic things. Instead of a nice, slow process of fitness I go to the gym like a madman until I hurt myself or get burnt out. Instead of stepping back from situations and letting things cool down, I excise people completely from my life.
This has been something of a modus operandi of mine.
What do you call all of this irrational behavior, to what do I attribute it?
Irish temper? Aries nature? Manic depression? Hot blooded? Childish? Weak? Lazy? Temperamental? Insane?
Within the last year I started opening myself up to the possibility of sharing my life with someone again. I figured that I was finally at a point where I was getting all my own shit together, ready to be with someone. Make a future. Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe I still have a few things to work out.
or maybe I'm not the one who is fucked up at all. I'm just me. Living my life the only way I can. We all have problems, mine are small compared to a lot of people. My choices have led me here, and I don't regret most of them. I imagine that everyone has an odd regret or two. On the big things, like the kind of person I choose to be, well I have no regrets there. Even if I do still have some things to figure out.
there is one serious thunderstorm going on inside.
I don't pay enough attention to political news, mainly because every time I do I get depressed over the state of affairs in this country, which I do love. My new job affords me a bit of time each day to catch up on current events, and this has done very little to stifle my cynicism. But I did find this nugget today to keep me afloat.
The link is to a CNN.com article about the U.N. Appointment.
...Bush - who has the lowest approval rating of a second-term president since Nixon during the Watergate scandal...
of course I am disenfranchised with my government, and it pisses me off to no end. we're not supposed to feel helpless at home, we're not supposed to fear our own rulers.
I know I have a voice
I know it's seldom heard
I know I have a choice
I know it's just a word
I know I have a bill of rights
I know it's 'cause I'm here
I know I have a chance to fight
I know there's much to fear
I know I have a say
I know my land is great
I know I have to find a way
I hope it's not too late
Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me.
It can only be one word.
No more.
Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.
**********************
apparently the head of the FTC had her credit card data stolen. I finally found a good example of irony on CNN.com that didn't make me cry.
some of the hostages from the American Embassy in Iran thing back in the 70's have noticed that the guy who was just elected President of that nation was one of their captors. it's still up for discussion as to whether these people really recognize the guy or not, but I kinda side with the traumatized when it comes to memory. I know that while good times pop up once in a while in my skull, the bad shit that happened to me is right there, ripe for the picking. it's also interesting to note that while Bush calls terrorists cowards, and Bill Maher was practically crucified for saying otherwise, at least the guys running the countries who want to fuck us up aren't afraid to get in there and do some of the work themselves, not watching from the Luxury Skyboxes like our so-called Commander-in-Chief.
and finally, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has tendered her resignation from the US Supreme Court. To quote one of those bands the crazy kids listen to these days: "It's the end of the world as we know it..."
The lunatic soldier of christ in the white house will now get to begin his appointment of evil minions to the already slightly loopy bench (anyone see that ruling on eminent domain?).
At least Sandy went out swinging, writing an inspiring dissenting opinion on the aforementioned decision regarding the little-respected property rights of individuals. You're either with Corporate America or you're against them (and probably not so well off).
Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades,
waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved
while you're taking your time with apologies,
I'm making my plans for revenge
Red eyes on orange horizons
If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge
I'd drive straight off the edge
Taking your own life with boredom,
I'm taking my own life with wine -
it helps you to rule out the sorrow,
it helps me to empty my mind
Making the most of a bad time
I'm smoking the brains from my head
Leaving the coal calling the kettle black and orange and red
This kettle is seeing red
I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling
In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying
I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,
plugged in and ready to fall
Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades,
waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved
while you're taking your time with apologies,
I'm planning out my revenge
Red eyes on orange horizons
If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge
I'm seeing red
I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling
In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying
I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,
plugged in and ready to fall
Plugged in and ready to fall
Plugged in and ready to fall
Plugged in and ready to fall
I just finished reading Nietzsche's "The Anti-Christ" as translated by H.L. Mencken
here are some of the juicier bits:
From Mencken's introduction-
it is always in a democratic society that heresy and felony tend to be most constantly confused
The majority of men prefer delusion to truth. It sooths. It is easy to grasp. Above all, it fits more snugly than the truth into a universe of false appearances - of complex and irrational phenomena, defectively grasped.
Of all the religions ever devised by the great practical jokers of the race, this is the one that offers most for the least money, so to speak, to the inferior man.
It is a pity that Holy Church has no process for the elevation of demons, like its process for the canonization of saints.
From the text-
I call an animal, a species, an individual corrupt, when it loses its instincts, when it chooses, when it prefers what is injurious to it.
Upon the theological instinct I make war: I find the tracks of it everywhere. Whoever has the theological blood in his veins is shifty and dishonorable in all things. The pathetic thing that grows out of this condition is called faith: in other words, closing one's eyes upon falsehood. People erect a concept of morality, of virtue, of holiness upon this false view of things; they ground good conscience upon faulty vision; they argue that no other sort of vision has value any more, once they have made theirs sacrosanct with the names of "God," "salvation," and "eternity."
Mankind has just as much need for an evil god as for a good god.
Love is the state in which man sees things most decidedly as they are not.
There was only one Christian, and he died on the cross.
it is Christianity, let us not doubt, and Christian valuations, which convert every revolution into a carnival of blood and crime.
Morality is the best of all devices for leading mankind by the nose.
Paul was the greatest of all apostles of revenge...
Man has had to fight for every atom of the truth, and has to pay for it almost everything that the heart, that human love, that human trust cling to. Greatness of soul is needed for this business: the service of truth is the hardest of all services.
-fanatics are picturesque, and mankind prefers observing poses to listening to reasons...
Christianity, alcohol--the two great means of corruption
I always like reading Nietzsche, even though he comes off as a jackass sometimes, because I equate him to one of those curmudgeonly old men who don't care about any kind of political correctness or sensitivity. They just say what they really believe and sometimes it's right on the money.
i know i've gone through bouts of self-loathing in my past. but i can't believe i would let something like this happen. i can be so fucking stupid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
consideration:
it's only a distraction to you
a small problem, annoying
but to the bug on your windshield
it was his whole life
"my life is hype, my love is hype"
ok. i've got the job. it's not a great job by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not bad, and the benefits are great. easy money, healthcare, the hours are cake.
i'm weening myself off the bullshit vampire lifestyle. now I'm not saying that sleeping in and staying up all night isn't fun, but after a while it just drains you. and getting back into the swing of things is turning out to be a serious pain in the ass. but i know things are getting better every day.
contrary to what some people think of me, i am a motivated person. i do have goals and a direction in life, i just don't follow the standard path. sometimes i wish i had been content to play the game the normal way, but deep down i know that way will never be for me. anything that i accomplish in my life will almost definitely be according to MY plan, and after some serious consideration i realize the value of staying true to what i feel inside and not trying to cater to the views of others, no matter how much i want to please them.
if i wind up doing this lowly state job for ever, or if i wind up as a sheriff's officer, or a screenwriter, or i'm bartender forever, it will be my choice. while i believe that we have certain responsibilities in life to other people, to society in general, even to the greater good of the world, i also believe that our first responsibility is to ourselves.
i might never be a great man. in fact, as i gambler i know that the odds are stacked very strongly against it. but i do know that i am a good man, so fuck anyone who thinks i'm not good enough for them.
no one knows what the future holds, or who they hold in the future.
enough of this, i have things to do.
I start a new job on Monday. This makes me happy.
It will also be a bit of a change for me, as the bartender lifestyle begins to fall by the wayside. These days I usually don't get up until 9 or 10, sometimes even 11. I relax all morning, read the paper, have a nice, leisurely breakfast. No hurries, no worries. Kill time during the day at the gym or maybe on the computer or reading a book or playing my guitar. Perhaps out for a bite to eat with one of the guys, or a bike ride or some other adventure with Lauren. Then at night I would either work or go out. A few hours at the pub, or at a show, or any number of other places people go at night when they don't have to get up in the morning. Even if I get home before 2:30 I most likely go online before bed, then I crawl under the blanket around 3:30 or 4 am.
I start a new job on Monday. This makes me realize I won't be sleeping in any longer.
But at least I am going out with a bang. The last week as a Lost Boy (as I was told). But I know I'm gonna stay young until I die. This week has been a nice send off though. Friday night was the show of shows, Anthrax. Kick ass tunes, metal insanity, and all captured for a DVD. With any luck my seizure-like dance routines will be a featured extra on the disc. Saturday I saw The Lords of Dogtown. That was a pretty kick-ass little film there. I can't really say more than what Frank was wise enough to utter: "Finally they made a skateboarding movie that works." Sunday I was almost assassinated by my good buddy Lauren who cunningly used, as her weapons of choice, a long rocky tow path near the canal and my own bicycle. A grueling ride, an out of breath young man, and the fear of imminent cardiac arrest. Quite the fun day, except for almost dying. Monday day was spent recuperating, but then I played my first night in a poker league. It was kind of fun to get back into the game, and I took second place in a field of about 40. Tuesday marked my triumphant return to Great Adventure. I rode (after waiting nearly 4 hours) the "tallest, fastest roller-coaster in the world." It also has one of the worst names: Kinda Kaa. It may be named after one of the stunning white Bengal Tigers that now call the park home, if so, the name is forgiven. The ride, simply put, was incredible. You are shot out at 128 mph towards a 400+ foot hill, then you spin your way back down the other side. It was very intense. I also recommend the Superman ride to anyone who cares to brave the crowds at our nifty local Six Flags Park. Tonight was some more live music fun as Lucero played the Northstar Bar in Filthadelphia. NE Philly is a shithole, but as Joe so wisely observed, all the best bars are in shitty parts of town. The band was great, as they were the last time I saw them, but the kicker was they played Chain Link Fence this time (albeit a faster than normal version) and a fucking amazing rendition of Hate and Jealousy. So I got to hear my two favorite songs from one of my current favorite bands. Tomorrow I don't have any exciting plans, but I am working for a bit so that I'll have some money for Saturday when I head to Atlantic City for the tattoo convention. Then perhaps another suicide run with Lauren on Sunday. An then it's fucking on.
I start a new job on Monday. I wonder what will become of me next week.
1. Total number of books owned?
Approximately 200
2. The last book I bought?,
69 Things To Do With A Dead Princess by Stewart Home &
Another Bullshit Night in Suck City by Nick Flynn
3. The last book I read?
Bodies in Motion and At Rest by Thomas Lynch (halfway done)
4. Five books that mean a lot to me?
The Cat in the Hat's ABCs by Dr. Seuss
A Confederate General from Big Sur by Richard Brautigan
No Thanks by E.E. Cummings (first book to make me like poetry)
Microserfs by Douglas Coupland
Thank You And OK! An American Zen Failure in Japan by David Chadwick
5. Name one book that you really did not like:
A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again by David Foster Wallace
