Apparently there was an October...

But I missed it. Flew by like a 747. Not that things didn't happen. I just don't have any interesting stories to tell. 

Things are really heating up now, though. Business is slow and money is tight. Time at work is getting like school as I try to learn six new computer programs all at once, making myself more "marketable" or something. And I don't have a pit in my stomach. I don't have a big empty hole where all the pain goes. I don't have any pain. There's no heartbreak (except for the tinge of hurt from being hung up on). Sometimes I wonder if there's even a heart anymore. Nobody gets to me. And now that doesn't even make me sad anymore.

All this ambivilance is really turning me off.

ha ha
manic 

You moved like honey through my dream last night... - Fiona Apple

It was a dream. There was a girl. I kept asking her out over and over, like mutilple takes of a movie scene. And I kept getting it really wrong. I'm sure this has a lot to do with the conversation I had with Brian yesterday about where our lives are, professionally and personally. I dream alot. In fact, I'd say it's my number one passtime. If I'm asleep, awake, or moving between the two, you can bet that my mind is drifting off somewhere. I don't concentrate very much. Usually I'm off in my mind thinking about anything other than what I'm doing. It tells a great deal about why I am the way I am.

I don't think I'll have the same trouble tonight falling asleep that I did last night. But I wonder if she'll be there again...

manic 

Tuesday

been looking from outside i've been watching 
but i don't know what to say
changed the old backdrop, same face 
but not who it used to be 

trying to get out not out getting 
thinking, you're everything you said you wouldn't be 
time out, i see right through 

you're running around again i'm around 
and still confused in an instant 
can't quite relate 
and i don't know what to say 
all of the bonds i see that i'm not part of 
it's not how it used to be 

you're running around again i'm around 
and i've been cracking on the inside 
it gets worse each day 
and i don't know what to say

keeping my distance but still i see 
it's not how it used to be 
pushing the time in a daze
wondering how it got this way 

time out, i've gotta ask it 
am i on my own? 

truth numbed my feelings



I'd be better off working. It's here, it's all here. Job, money, real life. Found a house, don't know if I can afford to live there. I have good friends, I love them. Can't always be the best friend. I wasn't this weekend. I let myself down a bit. There's so much more in my head. I'm not sure I can put it all out. There are things I can't communicate to just anyone. It's been so long since I've had someone in my arms. It's getting to me. I need sanctuary.

truth

manic

When Irish eyes are smiling...

Darts, Guinness, good friends. Joy to the world.

I'm 26, I'm getting more and more out of shape as the months go on, and all I want to do is relax. From a genetic standpoint, I should at least be motivated to build a life and family, but these days my ambitions are running shorter than a Pauly Shore movie lasts in theaters.

All the things I want: (shrinks say it's good to do this)
Financial Stability
Someone to love, who loves me back
Energy
Peace of mind (literally speaking)

On this list thing - Things that Bring Me Joy:
The big three up top
Wit
Music
A good movie, sometimes even a bad one
Natasha
Sleeping, which reminds me...

manic 

Oswald was a fag.

Ok. This is killer. I have an opportunity. A GRAND opportunity. Someone in the industry wants to read my script, with the possible intent of purchase for production. Not a reader, not an agent. A full-fledged, working actor, with his own production company. And here I sit like a mouse in a hollow log, desperately trying to see if the owl is still hovering overhead. Afraid to make a single move for fear of dooming myself. I made that ego comment yesterday, but forgot to mention how it is tempered with self-doubt. Just write.
Just write.
JUST WRITE, DAMN IT!

But it's not enough.

It takes work. Hard work. And while I am familiar with the concept, it's not something that I pride myself on. I'm lazy, and scared. Co-dependant attributes that truly feed off one another. When you are lazy, it's easy to blame your lack of accomplishment on fear, and when you are afraid, lazy is a nice hot bath to take comfort in.

I know that my story is great. I know it could be huge. Can I write it? Will I write it?
Where's that ego when I need it?

manic 

Long time listener, first time caller.

In an attempt to document my life through prose, poetry, lyrical mayhem, tomfoolery, ballyhoo, and all that, I've moved on from my feeble home-based leather-bound attempts into a digital field that might just keep me honest. Of course, I also thought that buying a copy of Final Draft was gonna turn me into Christopher McQuarrie. In any case, it should be interesting to see my line of progression from dilettante to supreme master of the Doogie Howser computer journal sect. Plus I have tried unsuccessfully for years to keep it a secret that I have a huge ego, and now I can go back and read and re-read myself to my narcissistic heart's content.

The only negative affect is the temptation to remove the more embarassing vittles of my story through post editing, which is a fully available feature of this ingenious device we thoughtfully call "the web" (with little or no irony, considering how we first practiced to deceive). So I am going to make a promise here, which should be treated like that of an incumbant candidate. I know I'm trusted a little, and also expected to lie a little. In either case I'll do my best for complete discolsure and honesty to a fault. Hopefully anyone I know who dips into this shitstorm of words will still respect me in the morning.

Oh, and look for rhyme long before any reason enters into the picture.

James Francis Hunt
manic till death 

Minneapolis, Minnesota

Here we are, the farthest west I've ever been. Passing a Holiday Inn in Chicago a sign read "The Journey is the Reward." Somewhere else along the way Scott quipped, "It's like those people who see Jesus in a potato." So far, not a bad trip. We drove straight through to Sheboygan, Wisconsin and spent the night there. Stopped in Green Bay today and saw Lambeau Field and the Packers Hall of Fame. I was standing amongst three NFL Championship trophies. Unreal cool. The Twin Cities are enormous and impressive. Tomorrow we'll stop at the Mall of America. What else could people from Jersey do? Also gonna hit up the Metrodome. The skies from GB to here were immense and filled with stars. I really needed this time away.

Happy Stinking New Year

I have to drop out of school and get a second job to pay my bills. Mom and Pop are sick of carrying my sorry ass. I don't blame them, I would have given up on me a long time ago. They are the energizer bunny of unconditional love. Spent three days last week at Shawnee. Had a great time snowboarding and got to see Tanya for a bit. I can't get Nikki of my mind. She's smart, fun, ambitious, great looking, sexy as all hell, and 19. I see this ending badly.
I saw Rushmore on friday. This movie was INCREDIBLE. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to make movies. This saturday me, Frank, and Scott leave for our 9 day road trip extravaganza. Minnesota here I come.

Interesting couple of days. Thursday I went to my first poetry slam. Ran into John Allen. I got roped into judging. There was some really good stuff there. And then there wasn't. Sick of it All and Vision was awesome. Sunday I saw American History X. It was a really good movie, but there was a fire drill about 20 minutes in that really fucked with the experience.
I need to get this screenplay out of my head and onto the page. Money is tight and Christmas is coming. What else is new?