decisions, decisions

"i want us to go for a walk though the park"
a dream

nothing is forever, except perhaps love and goodbye

i've had enough experience with people coming and going in and out of my life that I shouldn't be surprised with this sudden, shocking, and deeply affecting return of her to my psyche. in fact, i expected it would happen. just not so soon. and because of this, because of the decisions i have made, i am not sure if things now in motion are a matter of pride or a side effect of loneliness. to be sure, i'm not feeling lonely. but we grow accustomed to a certain type of life.

as odd as it may seem, especially to some of the more unconventional people i know and who know me, i've never wanted anything less than a traditional, honest, caring, fulfilling, loving relationship. i am assumed to be a more renegade person than i really am, and perhaps it is my fault for presenting myself with a certain image. maybe, inevitably, i am to blame. but i never lie when asked a direct question, or about what i want from another person. in my heart, i believe in love. in my mind, i know that it isn't always as easy as i want it to be. but i will not manipulate a friendship to squeeze my needs out of it, and i will not pretend to be able to fashion a certain type of relationship out of a failed one. i am for monogamy, and trust, and dependability, but not at the expense of my heart, or anyone else's.

if two people come together, however they do, and make a go at it, and it doesn't work for both of them, sure, they can just be friends. but if it doesn't work for just ONE of them, then both are destined to suffer a greater loss. in the instances where someone says "let's just be friends" (and they really mean it) there has to be a definitive belief in the minds of both people that love was not a possibility. otherwise, one is getting exactly what they want, but the cost is payed for by the suffering of the other. it can be tricky, too, to spot those lines in this day and age. and some people don't even believe that the lines have to exist all the time. this is another area where i am not quite as unconventional as some might believe.

over this past summer, i had the privilege to spend time with two very different people. i was enamored of both, in my own way, and for different reasons. and for whatever reason, both seemed interested in something about me. of these, one was very brief, while the other lasted practically the whole season. we came together in different ways, and i have come to realize that the brief, and ultimately pain-free relationship, was with the person who was never vague or dishonest about their intentions. at first i felt a bit of anxiety about our situation, as it was not something i am accustomed to being a part of. but as time went on, i realized that my anxiety had more to do with how it would reflect on me in the eyes of others than how i really felt about myself. the other, longer relationship was the source of a great many nights of confusion and pain, and i attribute this to two things. the first was the inability of that person to be honest with me (and perhaps herself) about what was happening between us until a whole lot of time went by, and second, my reluctance to believe that person when they finally did. i lived a brief, emotional version of the "boy who cried wolf" and eventually i did not hear the cries.

i realize that any vagaries that exist between two people who may or may not love one another will, ultimately, doom their relationship. it is more a reinforcement of what i already believed than a revelation. that is why i am always painfully honest when it comes to relationships. it is a big risk, but the truth is worth it. 

i don't harbor any ill will toward either of the people i have been talking about, but i only remain in contact with one. the reason this whole post started is because i have been thinking about the other. residual feelings? synaptic effluvia sputtering around in my subconscious? who knows? i just wish that by the time i meet the right person for me i'll have silenced the wolf cries, reconciled my (inaccurate) feelings of betrayal, and healed my heart for the loving to come.