just another manic tuesday, heart swole

I am Happy

that said, i know there is more to life. i've been around long enough to know that happiness isn't ever even supposed to be a constant in our lives. usually we don't feel any way, we are just doing what we are doing. we can be busy, lazy, happy, sad, content, ecstatic, crying, coming, laughing, vomiting, praying, or begging. all of that is part of the human condition, but the underlying feeling about the world, how we feel when we aren't feeling anything specific is, what i think, defines us as happy people, miserable people, etc. I've noticed lately that I've been a lot happier in general than I had been in a long time. It would be easy to pin this all on one change in my life, but that wouldn't be fair or entirely accurate. I have been spending a lot of time with someone lately, and it is absolutely wonderful, but I've also been working a lot, paying off all my debts, preparing to move out, anticipating seeing my sister get married, taking (slightly) better care of my body, meeting and talking to new and interesting people, and truly enjoying the time I spend with my friends and family. I think that all of this, taken as a whole, is what has led me to this place that I've always wanted to be. I am truly happy, in my soul, for the first time since childhood. It is not moments of laughter, or the fluttering of my heart from a kiss, or the swelling in my chest from pride and camaraderie with my friends. It is the constant smile inside me that even occurs when work is slow and boring, or the night drags on with no phone call, or when I realize I left my windows down in the rain. That is the tell-tale sign of my joy.

And I didn't even know it was coming. It is just there, that's the best part. Suddenly I look around, and I have nothing to be upset about. My life is far from perfect, but it is mine, and I wouldn't trade it away.

Time for some shout outs, high school yearbook style:

Frank: Thank you for the 130 proof, the true talks, and the few years that you kept me alive by feeding me. Don't worry about your big move, because we are all always moving.

Joe: The man of will. Thank you for all the shows, all the sounds, for growing up as my friend. I hope all of your days end with nights in her arms since she is what you want. Keep fighting for her.

Lauren: Thank you for coming into my life with quiet little footsteps and sneaking up on my heart.

Matt: Thanks for the pub life, the street fights, the show lights, and never thinking twice. DFL. Whatever you decide, I've got your back. Brothers don't have a breaking point, so you can always count on me. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Mike: Straying then staying, reeling then healing. Maybe I'll christen you the new Manic, it seems to suit you more. We can be the worst guitar players in the world for the rest of our lives, so long as we can still jam. Thanks for the talks, and the songs, and the trust. Not to mention putting up with my shite.


I don't deserve you guys.