nostalgia is a motherfucker

there's never been
a better time to be alive

i miss the girl that

I love
and i'm lucky 

The Pomegranate Circus

I am desolate in dimension
circling the sky
like a rainy bird,

wet from toe to crown
wet from bill to wing.

I feel like a drowned king
at the pomegranate circus.

I vowed last year
that I wouldn't go again
but here I sit in my usual seat,
dripping and clapping

as the pomegranates go by
in their metallic costumes.

--Richard Brautigan 

inner child's play

i don't know what to write

i don't know if I feel one way or another about it.

i'm just kinda shocked, and a bit shakey.

but I know I have to mark this down, somehow, so here we are. 

the bukowski channel, "the never show"

so my teeth hurt. that never happened before. i never drank so much that my teeth hurt afterward from the slowly diminishing presence of alcohol in my system.

but i was on my fourth or fifth big gulp sized cup of whiskey. and the doorbell rang. it never did that. i answered the door in my robe, mostly because I assumed it was a drunk friend looking for a place to sleep it off. the young lady didn't seem impressed by my 29 year old physique, in all its shaky splendor. i never would have guessed at the beauty before me. she was a little shorter than i'm used to, i could rest my considerable chin on her head without hunching over. but the smile was aces, and at 3:38 am it was a welcome home party for a criminal on the lam.

she told me all about how she loved my poetry, and wished that she would meet a guy who would make her feel like she feels when she read my stuff. it was pretty typical. I could read the disappointment on her face when I opened the door. all they want is roses and red wine, unless the guy paying the tab is short, hairy, fat, and ugly. then they want all sorts of other things, that the good looking guy will pay for.

but the words were so important. she can imagine fire, but only the written word burns.

she actually said that to me. in hindsight, it's a good thing I was so drunk, because otherwise I would have thrown a brick through her windshield and pissed on her buckle-topped shoes. my tolerance and horniness increase in direct proportion with my blood alcohol content.

but I never went in for that crap before and so I wished her away, instead of wisking her away. and my behavior fulfilled my wish like the prophecy of a 12th century seer. another shot and maybe I would have tolerated her behavior. another century and maybe she would have tolerated mine.

she also never laid me, not that that's important. 

my band can beat up your band (*except danzig, rollins, & naughty by nature)

we're the dream team screaming 
from the screen on your TV
living all you're loving
while you're laying around

we're the dreams that you had
last time you did acid
we're the rumor that is circulating
all around town

we're your name in lights
at the foot of a mountain
we're the mean old man
at the end of your block

we shape all we see
through the lens of a camera
finding focus faster
than the eye of a hawk

sign of the times, we're the hollywood sign

we're the music you hear
when there's nothing but silence
we're inside every love letter
sent in the world

we're the voices in your head
when you're looking for guidance
we're the future generation
all your boys and girls

we're a sign of the times, the hollywood sign

we're the last breath you take
right before the first kiss
we're the best decorations
ever hung on a wall

we're the devil on your shoulder
and the angel too
we're here for your souls
and we're saving them all

sign of the times, we're the hollywood sign 

speaking of unenviable positions...

she sends smiles in clusters of forgery
nurtured in the criminal light of promise
across miracle miles laid out to torture me
yet traveled gladly on the wings of a child's wish

through moments of furious fright, improbable hope
leaves slain the isolation of the east
sliding tumblers, locked only to cope
opened to grant passage from the beast

without a true experience held in reference
illusions won't reveal their fade or sway
and since grasses always greener feel our preference
i'm destined to believe for one more day

from forged smiles sharp as any knife
that death is not the only escape from life 

to marrow

bone struck bone
like matches lit
inside sandpaper smiles
ripened flames, bursting
bearing the fruits
that feed our misery

the click click click
of the bones
less coherent with each step
unsure of their skin
woozy off the leash of tendons
and ligaments

a stiff wind kills our
halloween dream
we quitely pile ourselves, our bones
on a blanket of snow
it's so easy to fall in winter

the beginning of the end

the second time we met
drenched in an uncaring sky
moments of magic without illusion
hidden between the details of our mission
we are spies from different countries
searching for the same secrets
we share our devices, pool our information
work together without subterfuge

at a darkened corner booth, in a very
public place, we share our last bit of time
it seems too dangerous anymore
we think they're onto us
it's time to split up
to make our ways separately
but I know if they get me
my last breath will hold your name

Party long over. Met everyone. Natasha's roommates Jen and Trina and both very cool. There were half a million people here for the party last night, which I actually did my best to try and sleep through. It was an incredible party with an incredible mess left behind to prove it. I lent a helping hand, trying to earn my keep. We ate a bit, worked on the house, showered, then headed to the downtown area. Natasha and I. Alone at last. She is amazing. All that I could have hoped for and more. There is something about her that glows for everyone that sees her. I told her while walking tonight that I feel at home when I'm around her. Part of how amazing she is is how at ease I can be around her. And she is a truly beautiful girl. I don't know what else to say, my love was right on with this woman. "I crossed two bridges, and wept by one." Tonight we saw a play, actually seemed more like a performance piece to me. It was called Crave, and contained a whole lot of different perspectives on how and why we feel certain emotions. And how we react to the people we feel for. Some interesting thoughts, but I wasn't completely blown away. I loved sitting next to Natasha at a nearby pub listening to her talk about her life. Good thing I'm leaving in a few days, because I'm smitten. 

So here we go. So many years have passed and still no closer to anything (anyone?). After a few months of the online journal I'm going old school here on my trip to SLC. Making my way to Utah to spend a weekend with a girl I've never seen. Sounds just like me. I get to spend a few solid, boring hours sitting here in Newark Airport. I have some books and my amazing, astounding iPod to keep me company. This place is barren. I hear a vacuum, and and every few minutes somebody walks by. I'm the only schmuck who came to check in six hours early. I'm glad to get away and excited to finally get to meet and hang out with Natasha. I am glad to be away from work. About the only thing I'm going to miss is my dog. Frank's made a lot of me going to to see Natasha, I believe he's expecting me to come back home and tell him I'm in love with her. I could have done that before I left. That's the beauty of being me, I guess. No fear when it comes to loving. Just a bit when it actually comes back to me. Next stop, Houston, TX.

    *    *    *   *   *   *   *   *

The one time I'm in no hurry traveling and the flight arrives early. And dressed all in black, with a long black trench coat, I'm over dressed for Houston. It's 80 degrees outside. No big deal, I guess, because I'm not actually going outside. Half an hour layover then on my way to SLC. I got a bit of sleep on the flight. I have decided now, though, that I like to fly. The sensation, combined with the adventure of going somewhere new. I have to start getting out more.

   *    *    *    *    *    *    *

And, of course, it's snowing in Utah. I have to give these folks credit, the views are phenomenal. The city is surrounded by mountains. It's breathtaking. The snow adds a nice sentimental effect. I'm sitting in a Borders across the street from THE Mormon Temple. I've seen a cathedral or two in my lifetime and I can say that these people take there god REALLY seriously. I saw a bit of town through a bus window. Nice mass transit setup here. They got their bases covered with a tram and busses. There's some cool architecture about as well. Frank would approve. I have to do some shopping and kill some time. I also have no idea how I'm gonna make it through the night. I've had about five hours of sleep in the last two days.

equation for 10/16

fun = watching smallville and angel, going to the pub, playing darts shittily (a new adverb I just invented, it owns, doesn't it?), getting to wish Devon a happy birthday, getting to drink shots of Jamesons 12yr with Devon for her birthday, texting Megan, finally (after months of anticipation with bated breath) getting to meet her slash watch and hear her sing, finding out she's as cool as I anticipated, rocking a crap bar wit Bon Jovi, getting a nice little speck of inebriation on, coming home, playing catch with my dog in the backyard at 2 am, then typing this and going to bed.

excellent, A++ four stars.


P.S. - this exercise thing is prolly a great idea, my dog is in waaaaaay better shape than I am. 

listening to Integrity and not doing a zine...

You can take a man
Free him from no garbage can
No one can ever see
No one can ever escape
You are going to...
You will feel the wrath
As you fear tomorrow

I'm gonna take you down
When I can, in and out
Nothing can save your misery
Don't know shit about me
Don't know anything
Sink to the bottom
All hell breaking loose

Feel the wrath
One time in your life
Cutting like a knife
Feel the wrath 
As you fear tomorrow

There is nothing 
Left for you now
You think you have it all
Don't have anything
One time in your life
Fear the knife
Fear the wrath
You motherfuckers

I'm a jeep ass nigga

i speak in shards of syllables 
that are broken up like shrapnel
from the language of insanity
where i live in the capitol
there's a signal just below me
where my voice becomes imaginary
processed by machines in dreams
that fight for my vocabulary
a couple dozen people
used to know my body politic
fewer saw the broken soul,
the maddest love sick lunatic
and counted on my fingers
are the ones i call my friends
who kept my ass alive through
times i swore would be my end
i hope this can remind them all
of bonds made since we met
so even when i can't be there
the words make sure we don't forget
i know that things get ugly
and family's not always there
so you gotta have your friends close by,
the ones who really care
no matter how the girls play out
through nights that bleed like hell
we're there each morning after
just in case you need our help
to keep you out of jail,
or at the pub to soak your sorrow
a reminder that you're strong enough
to face the world tomorrow
side by side through all the seasons
no one else remembers
one october's just as cold
as forty-five decembers
for all the times we had no time
when day, week, month is just a name
it's just like minutes passing by
friends will always be the same 

When the man comes around...

 

What's so funny about peace, love, and oral sex?

standing at the wishingwell, peering over
reach in my pocket. SNAP.
I only carry hundreds.

imagine that, you're a millionaire without a penny

strangely, the dollars wouldn't have the same effect.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


my myopia knows no bounds. 
my alarmclock knows what time it is.
my dog knows I'm trying to trick him.
my journal knows that I've lost my mind.
my heart knows that time can be an enemy.

your days know the reason for laughter.
your child knows less math than you think.
your bathroom knows all your dirty secrets.
your bed knows the dreams you've forgotten.
your heart knows someone that looks nothing like me.

"all I know is that I don't know, all I know is that I don't know nothin'" 

in an amazing bit of post-ironic circumstance, tonight i saw a beautiful girl in 7-11 wearing a t-shirt that read: Rock and Roll Saves Lives

Yeah, Burn

this depression is haunting me
i can't break free and i cannot be me
i don't know what to do
because there is no escape from your grasp
and you'll squeeze 'til i ooze from the cracks
but i come back for more
some strage magnetism drawing me to your core
i'm not capable of hate, so it seems
but i'm getting closer, closer, and closer
close enough to realize the pain caused
it seems to me that i'm not to blame
though my tears may fall like rain
i'm drowning in a sea of emotion
i'm drowning
and i'm trapped by my actions
and i can't break free
i'm falling prey to my emotions

what builds my feelings are the stones
from which you build the barrier between you and me
un-needed and not wanted
a mental wall that banishes me from you
i must destroy this wall
allowing us to see each other
for what we could be
or what we could have been . . .

Blight

the change of the seasons is usually good to me, so I can't work out why my mood is so f'ing down. i've been cycling between happy and fucking miserable with great frequency the last month or so, and my behavior is seldom indicative of my true mood. manic to the stark, white bone.

i think part of the problem is that I don't look for things anymore. part of what drove me as a teen was a search for something to believe in. it never really happened with a religion, despite my leanings toward zen, and the most pure thing I've ever put my faith in was music. it was my god for a good ten years. there's always been people who didn't understand why I would subject myself to the rigors of a hardcore pit, or the ugliness of a shit-stained scene for a night of sweaty, violent screaming and dancing. these days it's even less understood. most of the friends who were with me then have abandoned that type of fun for something a little less rigorous. but even at my age, with almost 15 years of shows and slamming under my belt, I still get that charge. all it takes is standing in the middle of a circle pit, with the world in chaos spinning around you, bodies clashing, limbs flying out in every direction, and I'm in the presence of god.

i should probably say for the record that my notion of god isn't really a supreme being, but the supreme state of all life - pure energy. I never studied physics or Einstein or any of that, but I do remember learning that energy never completely disappears, it just changes form. At a show, in the midst of all that energy, I'm a battery hooked up to a charger. I would equate it to the ecstasy people feel at revivals or faith healings. And if faith really can heal you, if the belief is what brings us back from the brink, then I know that music will save my soul. Now I just need to find someone to save my life.

manic 

lights misbehaving

anyone who wants to be the central pre-occupation of my life, I'm currently taking applications 

Y bother: men are doomed after all

From The Sunday Times
August 18, 2003

MEN are doomed to extinction, victims of the decaying human Y-chromosome, the only piece of DNA men possess and women do not.

So says Bryan Sykes, professor of human genetics at Oxford University, in a book that envisages the "Sapphic reproduction" of women by genetic manipulation. 

A "genetic ruin littered with molecular damage", the Y-chromosome cannot repair itself, nor arrest the steadily accumulating damage, he reports in Adam's Curse. 

"Like the face of the moon, still pitted by all the craters from all the meteors that have ever fallen onto its surface, Y-chromosomes cannot heal their own scars. It is a dying chromosome and one day it will become extinct." 

The decline of the Y-chromosome has been well chronicled. What is new is Professor Sykes's description of the implications and the stark choices for the human race. 

He says that because the chromosome's main function is switching on male embryos in the womb, its demise means the final curtain for men. 

By his estimate, the male will go belly-up in about 125,000 years. 

But he cautions ultra-feminists against rejoicing too soon. 

"Destroying the male sex would be a very short-lived victory. Men are still required for breeding, if nothing else." 

But not for much longer, if Professor Sykes's radical solution is adopted - abandon men altogether. 

"From the genetic point of view, very little stands in its way," he says. 

His strategy for perpetuating a new female race depends on tweaking the proven technique of injecting sperm into eggs. Instead, the nucleus from a second egg would be injected. 

The only difference from any other birth would be that the baby would always be a girl. "The entire process has been accomplished without sperm, without Y-chromosomes and without men," Professor Sykes says. 

The girls would not be clones, but would comprise the same mixture of their parents' genes, shuffled by recombination, as today's children. But there would be one major difference: both parents would be women. 

It is almost bound to happen, says the professor, who can find no moral objection. "Men are now on notice," he says. 

However, Professor Sykes does not speculate on what would pass for sex once men disappear. 

I am not an animal!

so, thirty odd years of failure to recognize or believe in Allergies, and I have been humbled in the most sinister way possible. while I am not admitting to being the victim of any such ruse, there is no denying that I have had a bad reaction to something, and allergy or not, the histimine in my body ran riot over the weekend leaving me in a Rocky Dennis / John Merrick state.

for those of you with weak stomachs, this is the time to look away.
this is how I felt all day Sunday, Monday, and still kinda feel today.








send sympathy my way, I'm swollen but not swell

I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so

a man older than anyone would guess
sitting at his work bench
glasses perched precariously at the edge of a nose
that has smelled a billion smells,
exhaled a trillion trillion breaths

hunched over the pieces
the works of a watch that stopped
the second hand was muscle tissue from a heart
the hour hand diamond, but started as coal
the problem was the minute hand

it was a shark, and it didn't move enough
the master craftsman, some might say artisan
holds the tiny gears and springs on the tip
of every finger, placing them gently in their beds
consumed with the hunger of one day making it work

days without food, a week without sleep
his eyes have negotiated light for their health
and his concentration is never broken by the knocking
bed might as well be a coffin
if he can't make it work again

with each returned sprocket
(after careful and loving inspection)
the whole comes closer and closer to its revelation
but something complete is still a waste of time
if he can't make it work

finally the day comes
as the assembled bits of life, and viscera, and headstone
take their given places in the machine
traces of hope lubricate the gears
as he prays he can make it work

as all things, winding up
and only to be wound down
the tick is his eulogy
asleep forever, dreaming of a victory
but why couldn't we make it work?

manic 

More Music Inspired by and from the Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of ME

Opening Credits: Nose Over Tail - Alkaline Trio
Waking-Up Scene: Alive - Pearl Jam
Average-Day Scene: Chano - Lalo Schifrin
Best-Friend Scene: Mission Impossible Theme
First-Date Scene: I Will Be With You - The Mr. T Experience
Falling-In-Love Scene: Perfect World - Liz Phair
Love Scene: She's Got A Way - Billy Joel
Sex Scene: Sweet Honey - Born Jamericans
Heartbreak Scene: Pain - Negative Male Child
Break Up Scene: Bound To Pack It Up - White Stripes
Get-Back-Together Scene: Why Don't We Do It In The Road - The Beatles
Fight-With-Friend Scene: G.I. Joe Headstomp - Sick of it All
Fights-At-Home Scene: Institutionalized - Suicidal Tendancies
Mental-Breakdown Scene: I Want To Be Alone - SFA
Drugged Hiatus Scene: Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun - Pink Floyd
Driving Scene: What the Hell - Hi-Fi & The Road Burners
Deep-Thought Scene: Your Time Is Gonna Come - Led Zepplin
Lesson-Learning Scene: Charlie Brown Theme - Vince Gurardi
'Life's Okay' Scene: Rainbow Connection - Me First & The Gimme Gimmes
Flashback Scene: Let's Hear it For the Boy - Deniece Williams
Party Scene: I against I - Mos Def & Massive Attack
Regret Scene: No One Said It Would Be Easy - Sheryl Crow
Slow-Dance Song: At This Moment - Billy Vera & the Beaters
Happy-Dance Song: East Side Beat - The Toasters
Long-Night-Alone Scene: Constellation - Sonny Stitt
Epic Triumph Scene: We Are The Champions - Queen
Death Scene: All Fall Down - Egg Hunt
Closing Credits: One Life, One Chance - H2O

cynical, me?

victory

so vanilla that it can't even be something looked forward to

or an aggressive push in the wrong direction

always 'you should have seen her'

never 'i'd like you to meet...'

even if it happens in little ways, like the right green light

where is the fucking victory in that? 

drowning my SELF is a game I play

every morning is a negotiation

if you can figure out why i lose, let me know

i can't tell the difference between
the moon and the sun it echoes

wasted time is a mind fuck invented by ex-
guidance counselors who founded sport drink companies

i can leave now. always could, i guess
but where the fuck am i gonna go anyway?

and who is riding shotgun?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

i thought i saw you tonight
through the soft haze of a saxophone
with the wrinkle in your nose from the
smile that always heals me

i thought i heard you tonight
over the conversation of a million glasses
with their full and empty lives to
talk about and digest

i thought i smelled you tonight
between the promises of jasmine
with its jolting sexuality to
inspire 3 pm saturdays

i thought i tasted you tonight
under the steely reserve of my tongue
with memories of an imaginary past to
protect me from the truth

i thought i touched you tonight
behind the stars that guide us
without realizing that the
mirror tells it like it is

i thought i touched you tonight
but you touched me 

baaah baaah

1. I am happiest when: sleeping
2. I feel lonely when: the ugly lights come on
3. The ideal relationship would be: full of trust
4. Favorite movie (s): Braveheart, Rushmore, Godfather II, Res.,etc.
5. Favorite author: Richard Brautigan
6. What makes you cry: Seeing someone else (who is strong) cry
7. Introvert or extrovert: Extrovert
8. Do you think too much: Never been accused of that before
9. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be: Ireland vs. right here in Jersey
10. A famous person you would like to meet: Salma Hayek
11. Do you believe in organized religion: Not for myself
12. Pro-life or pro-choice: pro-choice
13. Are you a vegetarian: No
14. Do you support the death penalty: I agree with it, just use the damn thing
15. Do angels or demons exist: Not like we think they do
16. What would you most like to be doing right now: Healing
17. Do you have any regrets: You could say that
18. Sex or love: Sexy love
19. Favorite coffee: Coca-cola
20. Brand of cigarettes: Smoking is the dumbest, most vile thing since pedo-necrophilia
21. Favorite scent: Spring
22. What REALLY makes you mad: Smoking, not accepting responsibility for one's actions, people who stop on exit/entrance ramps
23. Favorite way to waste time: sleeping
26. What is your best quality: I am easygoing
27. Are you currently in love/lust: no, and always
28. What's the craziest thing you have ever done: Joined the Army
30. Any bad habits: I'm terribly lazy, and too sarcastic, I guess both are habitual
31. Do you find it hard to trust people: I trust everyone, it's the devil inside them that I don't trust
32. Do you ever doubt yourself: No, but I second guess myself
33. Last book you read: The Liar's Tale
34. Last thing you bought for yourself: Me First & The Gimme Gimme's "Take A Break"
35. Bath or shower: I shower while laying in the tub, bath style
36. Favorite season: Spring
37. Porn or erotica: Depends on the situation
38. What is your favorite flavor: Chocolate
39. What is your favorite time of day: Night.
40. Gold or silver: Steel
41. What is the lamest pickup line someone has used on you: Never
42. Silk sheets or cotton: cotton
43. Any secret crushes: Setec Astronomy
44. Do you ever feel you are insane: no
45. Favorite style of music: punk vs. blues vs. jazz 
46. Favorite film genre: drama
47. If you could be the opposite sex for one day, would you do it: sure
48. What do you desire most in life: peace of mind, to find love
49. Do you believe in destiny: No
50. Is world peace attainable: sure, once mankind is all dead
51. City or country: City
52. Are you more inclined to set short or long term goals for yourself?: Short term, long term, I'll never follow through so it doesn't really matter.