Blight

the change of the seasons is usually good to me, so I can't work out why my mood is so f'ing down. i've been cycling between happy and fucking miserable with great frequency the last month or so, and my behavior is seldom indicative of my true mood. manic to the stark, white bone.

i think part of the problem is that I don't look for things anymore. part of what drove me as a teen was a search for something to believe in. it never really happened with a religion, despite my leanings toward zen, and the most pure thing I've ever put my faith in was music. it was my god for a good ten years. there's always been people who didn't understand why I would subject myself to the rigors of a hardcore pit, or the ugliness of a shit-stained scene for a night of sweaty, violent screaming and dancing. these days it's even less understood. most of the friends who were with me then have abandoned that type of fun for something a little less rigorous. but even at my age, with almost 15 years of shows and slamming under my belt, I still get that charge. all it takes is standing in the middle of a circle pit, with the world in chaos spinning around you, bodies clashing, limbs flying out in every direction, and I'm in the presence of god.

i should probably say for the record that my notion of god isn't really a supreme being, but the supreme state of all life - pure energy. I never studied physics or Einstein or any of that, but I do remember learning that energy never completely disappears, it just changes form. At a show, in the midst of all that energy, I'm a battery hooked up to a charger. I would equate it to the ecstasy people feel at revivals or faith healings. And if faith really can heal you, if the belief is what brings us back from the brink, then I know that music will save my soul. Now I just need to find someone to save my life.

manic