Did I say that out loud?

Who said crush? Well, Heather did. In reference to me, towards Ann. I never said. Not to her. This does not bode well. Ireland, sweet Ireland. Embrace me and bring me home.

i am going crazy over this girl

belief, entitlement, promise(bottled), hope

when you go for a really long time without seeing someone who sends you reeling,
when you last for years without ever really caring about anyone new,
when you don't meet anyone for years that can make it hurt,

yes, it's that much harder when it happens.

::::::::::::::::::::::

try and remember when you learned it was a bad idea to grab a pot that's been boiling on the stove. the first learning experience of a child that has never been hurt. it's a revelation in the mind of someone so young. it almost teaches us that the best way to learn right and wrong is to get hurt along the way.

i am willing to risk the pain, because i think this is right.
she makes me nervous, and i want to do extraordinary things when i think of her. i guess i'm inspired again. 

hello darkness my old friend...

when we care about someone, we like to believe that the feeling will never deteriorate. the truth is, I've lost feeling for people that I swore I would love forever. but at the same time, I've felt love grow for people that I haven't seen in years. family, friends with whom I've lost touch. the girl of my dreams. today I can mean that literally.

last night I had the most incredibly vivid dream about the one girl that I swore I didn't love. the girl I didn't profess my feelings to. the one that got away, so to speak.

and I told her in my dream, finally I told her.

and then she left me, which is what I imagine would happen if I ever found her to tell her in real life. but she held me, and kissed my lips, and told me that it would happen next time. in the next life where it was meant to be.

what is meant to be tonight? 

a night of many contradictions
my eyes were green, which usually means
I am happy
I had been drinking, but not so
much as to make me sick
Anyway, I felt like vomiting
A look in the mirror, toward it
anyway, and I knew it by the
shape I was in
Time to sleep it off
or
time to die

in my solitude...

the closeness is something you never stop missing. bodies just a breath away from actually touching. you see, I can do without sex, I've lasted quite a while now, and the companionship is something that I hardly even think about, but the closeness...

I have this weakness for the right girl right next to me. she doesn't even have to be in love with me (although that would be a plus for once), just close enough for me to know that she wants to be near me. close enough that it's her choice to share the same air, the same space. it's a high like no other.

I had a few seconds of that, and it was bliss. enough to carry me for a few more weeks, and inspire the type of longing that I had reserved for women I knew I would never meet.

passion, desire, lust, want. necessity?

I've always wondered where that fit in with feeling.

manic

p.s. she asked me if I saw star wars 

You grew up fast now you'll die soon

people age in crazy ways
how they spend their nights and days
scornful, branding others broken
misreading love or how it's spoken

people age in painful leaps
with no regard to how time creeps
giving out or giving in
their years in such a shocking sin

people age with too much vigor
expectations pull the trigger
all the guns they point at those
who live away from what age chose

people age with no forgiveness
nor memory for the younger business
getting on with life it seems
means give up all your childhood dreams

people age in furious bounds
yet to a man it still confounds
when life is dealt its final yawn
our time is up, and where's it gone?

manic 

no matter what you may have heard...

the truth is, I'm afraid of the consequences. I don't do, and do, so many things just to avoid confrontation that I don't even know why I act the way I act. I'm this strange mix of coward and masochist. I don't want to suffer, and yet I behave like it's everything that I desire.

constantly on the run from the faces I want to kiss
forever in debt to the dollars I spare and give away
always writing the lies I don't want to speak
or is it the truths?

one day I will finally grow into what I aspire. At least I believe in that. And when I do, all of this bullshit will have not been in vain.

manic 

After three years you'd think I could wake up smiling. Where am I and where have I been? Drifting in and out of my days, finding whatever relief I can. Mostly turning off my mind.
Last night I told Ann that I like her, that I would like to get to know her better. I never really got a reaction, or at least one I could discern from her normal, extroverted gaiety.

Then I almost got into a fight. At the pub.
Which I never want to do.
Last night just became a mess.

I deserve whatever I get.

what's harder than impossible?

there is no event no eventually no even
no no no it's all a mistake. it wasn't supposed to go down this way. I had it all planned out, new job, steady routine, then I meet the girl who tears me out of my skin again. it's not you. I'm not ready yet. and besides, I just wanted to start crushing, not have all this damn potential.

~~~~~~~~~

a little piece of you just walked in my mind
like a bit of music I haven't heard in years
it seems familiar, but so far behind
catching up to me with each of my tears

I've been scared before, but not for this long
I've been alone before and that's not what hurts
every time I try it ends up all wrong
trying to ease the pain only makes it worse

the impossibility of being together
has got to be easier than being apart
just say the word and I'll love you forever
I'm just waiting for the music to start



manic