say everything?

in the waning hours of the day, when the light is magical for hollywood dps, and the thoughts that we manage to keep at bay through work, or food, or drink, or whatever we ply ourselves with come flooding back at us, I think of a girl. or should I say, girls.

surprise surprise surprise

I think of a girl that I loved, and then I think of one who claimed to love me. the circumstances expertly arranged to make a liar out of me. the boy who claimed to fully embrace love, who made it a holy thing. who faltered.

then I think of a girl who I loved without knowing it. she put her heart in the hands of a cheap-suited used car salesman of love. she knew what she wanted, got it, and left. she's the one that frightened me into thinking that I could actually be happy, and maybe it was my fault that I'm not. I think of her every day.

I think of the girls that touched me, for their own reasons, and didn't like the feel or the fit. or maybe decided it wasn't worth all the effort. I know I don't make it easy for anyone.

finally I think about the girl who makes me wait. she already knows about her power, and doesn't wield it cruelly or without regard for the consequences. so far away, she holds court for her subject of one. in her kingdom of words and emotions. the queen of hearts. I've already told her how I feel. how long it's been since the last time I felt it. how much I like it. maybe I can just be happy.

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I watched Say Anything again. listened to John Cusack and Cameron Crowe talk about how Lloyd Dobler chose optimism as a revolutionary act. He CHOSE to be happy and make the best out of the world as he found it. That, above all other sentiments in the movie, is what makes it so special to me. It is truly something to which I aspire.