i played hookey on friday, first time at the new gig.
i still can't believe i'm getting paid for what i do, even when i'm not there.
shot myself a round of golf. had fun.
saw 40-Year-Old Virgin yesterday with Frank and Mike. had fun.
worked the pub last night, which was very slow. made some dough.
played pitch-n-putt at Mo'Ville Golf Farm and got a hole in one. had fun.
also saw Must Love Dogs (with another man, even). great film.
but the important news is this:
Sunday, September 4th.
Labor Day Weekend.
Two Weeks from today.
CRUCIAL BAR-B-Q!
Free food, free beer, tons of fun, and live music by The Frantic.
at my place in beautiful downtown Yardville, New Jersey.
There will be more details and shit to follow, but all of you simply must mark your calendars because it will be one for the books.
even
you can't forget me
'cause you never knew me
all of your stares
and your lies pass right through me
the times that we kissed
you were kissing a stranger
the nights that I held you
you were sleeping with danger
and all of your words that I chose to believe
are prayers that I heard over deaths that I grieve
and all of my words that you won't hear no more
are lives that I'll send you to even the score
even the score
there's laws of attraction
and that's what you're breaking
I paid the price
and my hands are still shaking
a year of my life
now it's over and gone
guess my only revenge
is to keep moving on
and all of your words that I chose to believe
are prayers that I heard over deaths that I grieve
and all of my words that you won't hear no more
are lives that I'll send you to even the score
even the score
I can't forget you
'cause love isn't like that
and I don't regret you
but you'll never get that
I don't believe
there were any mistakes
just a difference in score
on the gives and the takes
and all of your words that I chose to believe
are prayers that I heard over deaths that I grieve
and all of my words that you won't hear no more
are lives that I'll send you to even the score
even the score
there is a connection to something larger.
whatever you want to call it, whatever makes you more comfortable discussing it.
I felt it rather strongly again Friday, while standing in the sand.
sometimes in life we are in a place where we can't feel that connection. it is not ever truly gone, no matter how tenuous it becomes, but we no longer feel it in ourselves. like driving through a tunnel with satellite radio.
the signal is still there, even when we are not receiving it.
i am going to plug in and hear it. loudly.
there is one serious thunderstorm going on outside.
simplification is a process that I always relied on, but I kind of had it wrong. I was the same way with discipline. I try to instill discipline when I should just use restraint.
I am a passionate person. I let my emotions affect my judgment. Hell, I count on my emotions as part of the decision making process. Emotions, instinct, judgment, thought, rationalization.
I am often impulsive. I don't really think some things through, I just say or do them. But I always accept responsibility for what I have done. I never set out to hurt anyone. Sometimes people do get hurt. Usually me.
Woe is me! Boo hoo. Yeah, I know. The world hates a cry baby.
Anyway, back to simplification. Like the ascetics of old, I sometimes seek to simplify my life, and offer myself a structure that I believe will lead to discipline, which will curtail my impulses and lead me to a more stable life. Less spending, better diet, more exercise, less TV, less computer, no gambling, no drinking. All the things that I know I over-indulge in from time to time. I am a sensualist, what can I say? But I always over-do it. I go to extremes even in my simplification process. Instead of just drinking less, I quit entirely. Instead of a better over all diet, I pledge to do unrealistic things. Instead of a nice, slow process of fitness I go to the gym like a madman until I hurt myself or get burnt out. Instead of stepping back from situations and letting things cool down, I excise people completely from my life.
This has been something of a modus operandi of mine.
What do you call all of this irrational behavior, to what do I attribute it?
Irish temper? Aries nature? Manic depression? Hot blooded? Childish? Weak? Lazy? Temperamental? Insane?
Within the last year I started opening myself up to the possibility of sharing my life with someone again. I figured that I was finally at a point where I was getting all my own shit together, ready to be with someone. Make a future. Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe I still have a few things to work out.
or maybe I'm not the one who is fucked up at all. I'm just me. Living my life the only way I can. We all have problems, mine are small compared to a lot of people. My choices have led me here, and I don't regret most of them. I imagine that everyone has an odd regret or two. On the big things, like the kind of person I choose to be, well I have no regrets there. Even if I do still have some things to figure out.
there is one serious thunderstorm going on inside.
I don't pay enough attention to political news, mainly because every time I do I get depressed over the state of affairs in this country, which I do love. My new job affords me a bit of time each day to catch up on current events, and this has done very little to stifle my cynicism. But I did find this nugget today to keep me afloat.
The link is to a CNN.com article about the U.N. Appointment.
...Bush - who has the lowest approval rating of a second-term president since Nixon during the Watergate scandal...
of course I am disenfranchised with my government, and it pisses me off to no end. we're not supposed to feel helpless at home, we're not supposed to fear our own rulers.
I know I have a voice
I know it's seldom heard
I know I have a choice
I know it's just a word
I know I have a bill of rights
I know it's 'cause I'm here
I know I have a chance to fight
I know there's much to fear
I know I have a say
I know my land is great
I know I have to find a way
I hope it's not too late
Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me.
It can only be one word.
No more.
Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.
**********************
apparently the head of the FTC had her credit card data stolen. I finally found a good example of irony on CNN.com that didn't make me cry.
some of the hostages from the American Embassy in Iran thing back in the 70's have noticed that the guy who was just elected President of that nation was one of their captors. it's still up for discussion as to whether these people really recognize the guy or not, but I kinda side with the traumatized when it comes to memory. I know that while good times pop up once in a while in my skull, the bad shit that happened to me is right there, ripe for the picking. it's also interesting to note that while Bush calls terrorists cowards, and Bill Maher was practically crucified for saying otherwise, at least the guys running the countries who want to fuck us up aren't afraid to get in there and do some of the work themselves, not watching from the Luxury Skyboxes like our so-called Commander-in-Chief.
and finally, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has tendered her resignation from the US Supreme Court. To quote one of those bands the crazy kids listen to these days: "It's the end of the world as we know it..."
The lunatic soldier of christ in the white house will now get to begin his appointment of evil minions to the already slightly loopy bench (anyone see that ruling on eminent domain?).
At least Sandy went out swinging, writing an inspiring dissenting opinion on the aforementioned decision regarding the little-respected property rights of individuals. You're either with Corporate America or you're against them (and probably not so well off).
Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades,
waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved
while you're taking your time with apologies,
I'm making my plans for revenge
Red eyes on orange horizons
If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge
I'd drive straight off the edge
Taking your own life with boredom,
I'm taking my own life with wine -
it helps you to rule out the sorrow,
it helps me to empty my mind
Making the most of a bad time
I'm smoking the brains from my head
Leaving the coal calling the kettle black and orange and red
This kettle is seeing red
I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling
In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying
I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,
plugged in and ready to fall
Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades,
waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved
while you're taking your time with apologies,
I'm planning out my revenge
Red eyes on orange horizons
If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge
I'm seeing red
I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling
In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying
I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,
plugged in and ready to fall
Plugged in and ready to fall
Plugged in and ready to fall
Plugged in and ready to fall
I just finished reading Nietzsche's "The Anti-Christ" as translated by H.L. Mencken
here are some of the juicier bits:
From Mencken's introduction-
it is always in a democratic society that heresy and felony tend to be most constantly confused
The majority of men prefer delusion to truth. It sooths. It is easy to grasp. Above all, it fits more snugly than the truth into a universe of false appearances - of complex and irrational phenomena, defectively grasped.
Of all the religions ever devised by the great practical jokers of the race, this is the one that offers most for the least money, so to speak, to the inferior man.
It is a pity that Holy Church has no process for the elevation of demons, like its process for the canonization of saints.
From the text-
I call an animal, a species, an individual corrupt, when it loses its instincts, when it chooses, when it prefers what is injurious to it.
Upon the theological instinct I make war: I find the tracks of it everywhere. Whoever has the theological blood in his veins is shifty and dishonorable in all things. The pathetic thing that grows out of this condition is called faith: in other words, closing one's eyes upon falsehood. People erect a concept of morality, of virtue, of holiness upon this false view of things; they ground good conscience upon faulty vision; they argue that no other sort of vision has value any more, once they have made theirs sacrosanct with the names of "God," "salvation," and "eternity."
Mankind has just as much need for an evil god as for a good god.
Love is the state in which man sees things most decidedly as they are not.
There was only one Christian, and he died on the cross.
it is Christianity, let us not doubt, and Christian valuations, which convert every revolution into a carnival of blood and crime.
Morality is the best of all devices for leading mankind by the nose.
Paul was the greatest of all apostles of revenge...
Man has had to fight for every atom of the truth, and has to pay for it almost everything that the heart, that human love, that human trust cling to. Greatness of soul is needed for this business: the service of truth is the hardest of all services.
-fanatics are picturesque, and mankind prefers observing poses to listening to reasons...
Christianity, alcohol--the two great means of corruption
I always like reading Nietzsche, even though he comes off as a jackass sometimes, because I equate him to one of those curmudgeonly old men who don't care about any kind of political correctness or sensitivity. They just say what they really believe and sometimes it's right on the money.
i know i've gone through bouts of self-loathing in my past. but i can't believe i would let something like this happen. i can be so fucking stupid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
consideration:
it's only a distraction to you
a small problem, annoying
but to the bug on your windshield
it was his whole life
