the bukowski channel, "the never show"

so my teeth hurt. that never happened before. i never drank so much that my teeth hurt afterward from the slowly diminishing presence of alcohol in my system.

but i was on my fourth or fifth big gulp sized cup of whiskey. and the doorbell rang. it never did that. i answered the door in my robe, mostly because I assumed it was a drunk friend looking for a place to sleep it off. the young lady didn't seem impressed by my 29 year old physique, in all its shaky splendor. i never would have guessed at the beauty before me. she was a little shorter than i'm used to, i could rest my considerable chin on her head without hunching over. but the smile was aces, and at 3:38 am it was a welcome home party for a criminal on the lam.

she told me all about how she loved my poetry, and wished that she would meet a guy who would make her feel like she feels when she read my stuff. it was pretty typical. I could read the disappointment on her face when I opened the door. all they want is roses and red wine, unless the guy paying the tab is short, hairy, fat, and ugly. then they want all sorts of other things, that the good looking guy will pay for.

but the words were so important. she can imagine fire, but only the written word burns.

she actually said that to me. in hindsight, it's a good thing I was so drunk, because otherwise I would have thrown a brick through her windshield and pissed on her buckle-topped shoes. my tolerance and horniness increase in direct proportion with my blood alcohol content.

but I never went in for that crap before and so I wished her away, instead of wisking her away. and my behavior fulfilled my wish like the prophecy of a 12th century seer. another shot and maybe I would have tolerated her behavior. another century and maybe she would have tolerated mine.

she also never laid me, not that that's important. 

my band can beat up your band (*except danzig, rollins, & naughty by nature)

we're the dream team screaming 
from the screen on your TV
living all you're loving
while you're laying around

we're the dreams that you had
last time you did acid
we're the rumor that is circulating
all around town

we're your name in lights
at the foot of a mountain
we're the mean old man
at the end of your block

we shape all we see
through the lens of a camera
finding focus faster
than the eye of a hawk

sign of the times, we're the hollywood sign

we're the music you hear
when there's nothing but silence
we're inside every love letter
sent in the world

we're the voices in your head
when you're looking for guidance
we're the future generation
all your boys and girls

we're a sign of the times, the hollywood sign

we're the last breath you take
right before the first kiss
we're the best decorations
ever hung on a wall

we're the devil on your shoulder
and the angel too
we're here for your souls
and we're saving them all

sign of the times, we're the hollywood sign 

speaking of unenviable positions...

she sends smiles in clusters of forgery
nurtured in the criminal light of promise
across miracle miles laid out to torture me
yet traveled gladly on the wings of a child's wish

through moments of furious fright, improbable hope
leaves slain the isolation of the east
sliding tumblers, locked only to cope
opened to grant passage from the beast

without a true experience held in reference
illusions won't reveal their fade or sway
and since grasses always greener feel our preference
i'm destined to believe for one more day

from forged smiles sharp as any knife
that death is not the only escape from life 

to marrow

bone struck bone
like matches lit
inside sandpaper smiles
ripened flames, bursting
bearing the fruits
that feed our misery

the click click click
of the bones
less coherent with each step
unsure of their skin
woozy off the leash of tendons
and ligaments

a stiff wind kills our
halloween dream
we quitely pile ourselves, our bones
on a blanket of snow
it's so easy to fall in winter

the beginning of the end

the second time we met
drenched in an uncaring sky
moments of magic without illusion
hidden between the details of our mission
we are spies from different countries
searching for the same secrets
we share our devices, pool our information
work together without subterfuge

at a darkened corner booth, in a very
public place, we share our last bit of time
it seems too dangerous anymore
we think they're onto us
it's time to split up
to make our ways separately
but I know if they get me
my last breath will hold your name

Party long over. Met everyone. Natasha's roommates Jen and Trina and both very cool. There were half a million people here for the party last night, which I actually did my best to try and sleep through. It was an incredible party with an incredible mess left behind to prove it. I lent a helping hand, trying to earn my keep. We ate a bit, worked on the house, showered, then headed to the downtown area. Natasha and I. Alone at last. She is amazing. All that I could have hoped for and more. There is something about her that glows for everyone that sees her. I told her while walking tonight that I feel at home when I'm around her. Part of how amazing she is is how at ease I can be around her. And she is a truly beautiful girl. I don't know what else to say, my love was right on with this woman. "I crossed two bridges, and wept by one." Tonight we saw a play, actually seemed more like a performance piece to me. It was called Crave, and contained a whole lot of different perspectives on how and why we feel certain emotions. And how we react to the people we feel for. Some interesting thoughts, but I wasn't completely blown away. I loved sitting next to Natasha at a nearby pub listening to her talk about her life. Good thing I'm leaving in a few days, because I'm smitten. 

So here we go. So many years have passed and still no closer to anything (anyone?). After a few months of the online journal I'm going old school here on my trip to SLC. Making my way to Utah to spend a weekend with a girl I've never seen. Sounds just like me. I get to spend a few solid, boring hours sitting here in Newark Airport. I have some books and my amazing, astounding iPod to keep me company. This place is barren. I hear a vacuum, and and every few minutes somebody walks by. I'm the only schmuck who came to check in six hours early. I'm glad to get away and excited to finally get to meet and hang out with Natasha. I am glad to be away from work. About the only thing I'm going to miss is my dog. Frank's made a lot of me going to to see Natasha, I believe he's expecting me to come back home and tell him I'm in love with her. I could have done that before I left. That's the beauty of being me, I guess. No fear when it comes to loving. Just a bit when it actually comes back to me. Next stop, Houston, TX.

    *    *    *   *   *   *   *   *

The one time I'm in no hurry traveling and the flight arrives early. And dressed all in black, with a long black trench coat, I'm over dressed for Houston. It's 80 degrees outside. No big deal, I guess, because I'm not actually going outside. Half an hour layover then on my way to SLC. I got a bit of sleep on the flight. I have decided now, though, that I like to fly. The sensation, combined with the adventure of going somewhere new. I have to start getting out more.

   *    *    *    *    *    *    *

And, of course, it's snowing in Utah. I have to give these folks credit, the views are phenomenal. The city is surrounded by mountains. It's breathtaking. The snow adds a nice sentimental effect. I'm sitting in a Borders across the street from THE Mormon Temple. I've seen a cathedral or two in my lifetime and I can say that these people take there god REALLY seriously. I saw a bit of town through a bus window. Nice mass transit setup here. They got their bases covered with a tram and busses. There's some cool architecture about as well. Frank would approve. I have to do some shopping and kill some time. I also have no idea how I'm gonna make it through the night. I've had about five hours of sleep in the last two days.

equation for 10/16

fun = watching smallville and angel, going to the pub, playing darts shittily (a new adverb I just invented, it owns, doesn't it?), getting to wish Devon a happy birthday, getting to drink shots of Jamesons 12yr with Devon for her birthday, texting Megan, finally (after months of anticipation with bated breath) getting to meet her slash watch and hear her sing, finding out she's as cool as I anticipated, rocking a crap bar wit Bon Jovi, getting a nice little speck of inebriation on, coming home, playing catch with my dog in the backyard at 2 am, then typing this and going to bed.

excellent, A++ four stars.


P.S. - this exercise thing is prolly a great idea, my dog is in waaaaaay better shape than I am. 

listening to Integrity and not doing a zine...

You can take a man
Free him from no garbage can
No one can ever see
No one can ever escape
You are going to...
You will feel the wrath
As you fear tomorrow

I'm gonna take you down
When I can, in and out
Nothing can save your misery
Don't know shit about me
Don't know anything
Sink to the bottom
All hell breaking loose

Feel the wrath
One time in your life
Cutting like a knife
Feel the wrath 
As you fear tomorrow

There is nothing 
Left for you now
You think you have it all
Don't have anything
One time in your life
Fear the knife
Fear the wrath
You motherfuckers