failure to evaporate

there are times when I think that there is no truly good experience. or truly bad for that matter. when I want to believe that everything is futile.

it's an easy excuse, sort of a lazy man's nihilism.

or darwinistic buddhism. wouldn't that be funny.

but whether I'm thinning the herd of enlightened souls or craving victory through the attrition of my desires, I don't really think the list is up to snuff.

math was never my strong suit to begin with. aftermath is even worse. I could be waiting for the other shoe to drop. or practicing my disbelief on others. maybe I'll sabotage my good fortune in some twisted self-fulfilling prophecy style.

on the flipside, we learn from our mistakes. hardship builds character. and whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

but like I said, that's only when I want to believe that things aren't really all that terrible for me, or that they weren't going so well that I didn't just completely fuck myself by screwing them up.

in other words, days that end in "y"

they call me manic