Monroeville, PA

I can't promise coherence or lucidity. I can't promise all the details or even all the facts. But I can promise honesty. Even if it is not the whole story, it should be the truth.

Leaving today was rough. After Fucking Pittsburgh I am not exactly anxious to hit the PA Turnpike again. Packing was an ordeal, and a mess. And I had to keep stopping to spend more time with Shaft. I was choked up most of the day, thinking about leaving without him.

Saying goodbye to the family was a bit of a challenge in itself. Probably because having them right there is all I have ever known. By that point I was just ready to roll. Familiar roads with a familiar traveling companion, but strange possibilities around every turn. Tomorrow is gonna be the big push out west. Early to rise, quick to ride-farther west than I have ever driven. Let's go.

Fucking Pittsburg

Today was the day I left New Jersey, ostensibly for the summer. The tense of my language here will be odd at times because I am not actually writing this on the day it is about. I'm writing about it in some vague, unnamed time between now and then. The future past.

I've never been much of a journalist, in the blogging sense, or any other for that matter. I was conscientious enough to buy a new paper journal for the trip, which I have more or less kept. My amazing friend and tattoo artist extraordinaire Scott Bramble suggested that I simply photograph the pages of this diary and post them online when it seemed appropriate. Sounds like a cool idea. However, somewhere along the way I decided that those thoughts were for me, alone, and that if I was to share anything about this journey it would have to be in some other medium. Hence, my second official attempt at an online journal. For those of you who endured the years of my rambling, incoherent, and extremely infrequent attempts to document any/everything in my life on LiveJournal, this will hopefully not be more of the same.

In the ways that I have grown as a person, I have regressed as a writer, and vice versa. That is to say, I am older, but my writing is less mature. I may be more aware, or compassionate as a man, but as an author it is even more about me than ever. And though I may know more about language and the effect of words on the people who read them, I am woefully ignorant of my own impact on the people I know and love. Thankfully a great many of them (you!) are more than willing to prop me up and cushion the impact of daily living with love and kindness and thoughtful word and deed. It is to all of you I am the most grateful.

The trip to Alaska is something that has been brewing for years. I have a dear friend, Natasha, who has spent her summers in Talkeetna, Alaska for the last five or so years, and since her original journey she has been telling me that I have to go. That the experience will change my life and that the beauty and joy of nature, combined with the discovery of new places and people, will make a fold and ripple in my brain unparalleled in my own lifetime of experience. Or something to that effect. When I did finally decide to go (the whys will come later, I promise), I kicked around the logistics a bit and settled on the idea that I wanted to drive there. This is not the easy way by any stretch of the imagination. Alaska by plane is a mighty journey, and will cost in the neighborhood of $800 as of this entry. By car, it's somewhere in the realm of $2000, if you want to stay in a hotel by night. If you're willing to camp out (or sleep in your car) it will be a bit cheaper, but the gas alone is gonna be over $900. Enter Frank, an old friend and New Jersey's own Mad Max of the Blue Highways. Frank is a road trip junkie. A serious road hog. Neal Cassady without all the daddy issues. He has driven in every continental state in this union but two--Idaho and Alaska. So I asked: "Would you be interested/able to drive to Alaska with my silly ass?" And sure enough, he was. Having someone to split costs with really made this trip an order of magnitude easier to pull off, and for that I am grateful. Frank and I have travelled a bit in the past, and our friendship has been a rocky one at times, so there is definitely a bit of trepidation as to what the road will bring out in each of us, but I am absolutely grateful for his companionship.

Now, about fucking Pittsburgh. The title of this little entry is based entirely on a minute detail of the trip. A bit of irony so fluffy and inconsequential that it doesn't really bare mentioning, except as an example of the old saying: If you want to make God laugh, make a plan. The plan was to leave Friday, the 30th of April. It was going to take about 8 days to get where we were going and we were gonna push hard the first few days. The Alaska Highway (or Alcan) alone is over 1400 miles and we've got a hell of a long way to go before we get there. Frank, who is really the planning ninja, came up with the idea of getting a leg up by leaving Thursday evening and driving the relatively short distance of the Pennsylvania Turnpike (a shite drive by any worthwhile measure) out to Pittsburgh, thereby giving us a good head start on our first rough day. We were aiming for Fargo, ND that day, and it was shaping up to be a grueling experience, every little bit out of the way would help. To sweeten the deal, Frank also said he would absorb this night's hotel stay on his own. No way I could turn it down. All of this was just a nice little way to start off. HOWEVER, because I am insanely paranoid about my decision to show up in Alaska with no job or place to live and very little in the bank I decided to work every day that I could before leaving. For those that aren't in the know, my job title is chauffeur. I drive for a living. Typically this involves hundreds of miles a week around the Key States area, mostly to the local airports. Back and forth to Newark and Philadelphia are bread and butter to me. While I have had occasion to go as far as D.C. and Connecticut, it's mostly just Jersey, Bucks County, Philadelphia, and NYC. Can you see where this is going? How Pittsburgh became Fucking Pittsburgh in my vernacular for the foreseeable future? Well let me just tell you that Wednesday the 28th of April in our year of the lord 2010 my last scheduled full day of work before the great Alaskan adventure was to begin comes around and my company sends me out on a trip to, that's right, Fucking Pittsburgh. I am making the exact same drive that I am scheduled to make the next day, basically the whole of the PA Turnpike, and then just turning around and coming back. It's one of those things that sounds too ridiculous to be true, and yet, it is my first proof that expectation and reality will be like repelling magnet ends for a whole bunch of this trip. It's a proud, blue collar town. They have six Superbowl wins. It was rated America's Most Livable City in 2009. My own father was born there. And all I can think is, Fucking Pittsburgh.

You fairly ruffled my savoir faire there, Dean my man.

 Whetting Vows

When one is preparing to take a vow, to put the full measure 

of one's self behind a statement and a promise, it is best to

make sure everyone involved knows exactly what those words mean.

For instance, some people are uncomfortable in the presence of the divine,

but I am a self-assured, some might say graceful, heathen.

I can appreciate the beauty and majestic wonder of the universe

without being collared by this or that version of the story.

The awe does not strike so hard as to bring me to my knees,

the mystery does not make me tremble.

So when I say you are a Goddess, I am not trying to elevate

you to impossible heights; it simply means that I am willing

and ready to worship you for all that you are.

On occasion I can be happy with my words.

Usually if I write something that makes me say, "that's good," 

I almost immediately remember One Train May Hide Another.

Then I'm back to the blank page, starting again.

The rare occasions when my vision is not snapped back

to empty spaces, when I am truly satisfied, it is because

I have used words to adorn my life with thoughts of you made tangible.

Meanings become ciceroni, showing art in the letters' dyslexic gallery.

So when I say you inspire me I am not calling you a simple muse who

ignites passions. I actually mean you grant the possibility of greatness

to that in my life which is otherwise unexceptional.

Love is why the thesaurus was invented. It is so many different

things to so many people that even context cannot hope to contain its chaos.

Because of this fact, it is apparent to me that love is everything:

corruption as well as beauty, madness as well as joy, 

pain as much as comfort, god as well as godlessness.

Love is the universe explained by a language other than mathematics, it is 

the meaning of life distilled from all philosophy. 

So when I speak of love, I am not confining myself to the

sweet-as-a-lollipop dream any more than I am the dark and frightening

specter of obsessive need. Both live within love, so I mean both 

and everything in between.

The soul is a child of love, so it makes sense that 

it is almost as hard to be clear when talking about it. 

Most people wonder if there is a reason for us to be here, and 

how our soul might figure into that reason. 

It is perhaps our worst instinct that we separate ourselves from one another 

so much that people cannot fathom the soul as part of something larger, 

a piece of everything rather than the whole of each of us.

Fragmenting the spirit, making it an identity instead of an origin

is an insult to life. So if I say "your soul" or "my soul" I do not mean to 

slight you by implying that you are separate from me, only that the portion 

which animates you has been shaped by different waters.

We toss around the word "forever" as if we actually had a shot

at understanding it. Luckily what humans lack in scope we make up for

in arrogance and self-delusion. What first comes to mind when I think of 

forever is the moment between the birth of a child and 

the first time it cries out to the world. But relativity plays too big a part 

in that scenario for it to really encapsulate forever.

I suppose the best solution would be for you to close your eyes and think

of what forever means to you, and then multiply it by however many

there are of everything, including molecules, wavelengths, and seconds 

and then realize that all this doesn't even get you to forever's first birthday.

Then you might catch my drift if I say forever.

Once the lexicon is set and agreed upon, the big meanings

sorted out so all the lawyers are happy, only then can we get 

down to our vows. And with all the t's crossed,

and all the i's dotted, hopefully I can speak and be understood

as clearly as any man who has ever spoken.

Because it is important

Because my words are my vow

Because I really want you to understand...

You are a Goddess

You are my inspiration, and

I will love you with all of my soul

forever

1.9.09

manic

truth is...

every time I tell someone how I feel the result is something like opening an umbrella in the front seat of a car on the turnpike.

new song

Anyway,

I got no home work

got no credits

got no diploma

but I'm still learning anyway

I got no real job

got no interviews

got no 9 to 5

but I'll make it work anyway

I got no bootstraps

got no hand up

got no leverage

but I'm gonna make it anyway

I'm gonna make it anyway

I'm gonna make it anyway

I'm gonna make it anyway

I got no runway

got no chopper

got no airplane

but I'm still flying anyway

I got no mustang

got no cadillac

got no hum-vee

got no gas money anyway

I got no dirt bike

got no skateboard

got no ten speed

but I'll still get there anyway

I'll still get there anyway

I'll still get there anyway

I'll still get there anyway

I got no girlfriend

got no prospects

got no blind dates

but I'm still smiling anyway

I got no promise

got no evidence

got no love song

but I think you want me anyway

I got no smooth move

got no pimp game

only got the truth

that I'm gonna love you anyway

I'm gonna love you anyway

I'm gonna love you anyway

I'm gonna love you anyway

For Natasha

Of course it was you
Only you who are strong enough to even be loved by me
    To take the brunt of my love
It seems so simple a fact that you could walk into
the desolate land of my soul and carve out a paradise
of your own design

Of course it was you--fearless you, who has conquered
so many frontiers
Who will walk into any wilderness armed only with her grace
and join into harmony with the surrounding lands so fully
that in times to come science will swear you evolved there

Of course it was you that tamed my animal nature,
     led on by the promise of sustenance and nurtured though
the most painful growing pains.
You are shepherd in my heart's meadow; my feelings gather
unto you for protection from the world and its storms

Of course it is you that guides me through the trails
and the darkest nights. You, the attraction of the axis itself
always showing me the way.
My compass, my sextant, my brightest star. Of course it was you.
And I'm glad it was you, of course.



4.18.08
manic

they called it Common Sense

"That there are men in all countries who get their living by war, and by keeping up the quarrels of Nations, is as shocking as it is true; but when those who are concerned in the government of a country make it their study to sow discord, and cultivate prejudices among Nations, it becomes the more unpardonable." ~ Thomas Paine

Giants 16, Eagles 3

Seriously, I don't know if I've ever had a better night in my life. Even the bad shit was ok, because we won. Fuck Yeah!