Her embrace was a church where the burning incense smelled like memories of childhood summers.

* * * * *

My time is not occupied.
Not looking for a job.
Not looking for a girl.
Not looking for a life.
I am looking for hope.

The problem is, I believe happiness is the path, not the destination. So according to my own beliefs, I am not moving. I am dead right now. It kinda takes the pressure off.

I want it all to be profound.
I want all these words to be either earth shattering or life affirming.
But that will never happen because that is not who I am. I'm far too normal.
Too less-than. Too average.
Anonymous. Anti-special.
I keep waiting around for something to happen.
Watching so hard that I miss it when it does. I'm like a ghost, except that
a ghost at least used to be somebody.

I am counting the ways
Waiting for the right number
Looking for the straw that is gonna break my back
I hate you for making me weak
I hate you for being so strong
I hate you for holding up that mirror and turning on the lights
I hate you for being there
I hate you for leaving
You turned my life inside out
And all you did was pass through it

Frank's first rule of perception:

"Everything that you believe you see is tempered by your emotions."

i.e. if you already have feelings for someone the most insignificant action can be seen as the clearest sign

Tonight I saw The Toasters, Springheel Jack, and some other ska bands. Pretty fun night. After a mostly wasted day. I did notice how vain I am today. How I try to portray myself as athletic or "in shape" when that couldn't be further from the truth.

Tonight was the first time I've hung out with Michelle in a looooooong time. Years. It was, blessedly, uneventful. We are both different people from when we knew each other well. It was still great to see her. Tomorrow is the invasion of the relatives for Jessie's graduation party.

Saw Token Entry tonight.
There is so much fucking energy in music. I hardly ever go to shows anymore, but each time I want to capture that energy more and more. I really wish I had some fucking musical ability.

"Here comes, thank Heaven,
         another enemy."
-Cyrano deBergerac

No big happenings, just wanted to not that I went to my first hockey game today.
Rangers 5 - Capitals 4. Twas a nail biter.

Some alternachick flirted with me on the train ride to the city. It made me wonder how she would have described the ride to her friends, or what she wrote in her notebook. Every time we interact with people we have a chance to become an event or detail in their story.

Been a while since I've "journaled."
Today was a good day. Actually, strike that, today was lame; tonight was cool. Bought Hard Boiled for $15, can't beat that with a bat. Hit the ball around, couldn't get a game though. Actually, the day started earlier when Rachel, Brian, and myself skated the plaza. It was kinda busy there so we basically hung out and bothered Mindy. I wish she took better care of herself. Brian left for work so I called Jay to see if he wanted to go to Vet's park & get in a game or two. No one wanted to play us, which, I suppose, is a compliment, so we just watched some movies instead. Jay left and I went to Friendly's with Brian. After that we went to Emily Blair's house. I loaned her dad a book of koans and Jennifer Thomann stopped by. I knew who she was in high school, but it was really like meeting her for the first time. She's cool, and great looking, and has a killer personality to boot. Sigh.
Later Bri and I went back to Dover and skated until like 2:30. Brian fucked his knee up and we acquired a plastic bunny. It should come in handy scaring the newly INTOXICATED Frank, or Joe.
Ahhhh, the possibilities.
Gotta get a job soon, being ugly ain't paying the bills.