big picture

Over the weekend I. . .

1. Watched the original Star Wars trilogy on DVD. Amazing.

2. Ate my first deep fried Twinkie. 8,000,000 calories never tasted so good.

3. Got to see the Giants pull out a win over the Eagles. Life is awesome.

so does it matter that I'm broke and need a new car, that I'm prolly gonna be getting royally screwed at work, that I still can't afford to get out of my house, that I'm not at all confident in my score on the police exam, or that there's a mysterious cyst in my throat?

nah, probably not.

wow

it took me 32 years to realize that what I want doesn't matter.

calendar girl

I've deviated, but I'm not a deviant.
I'm sick of the routine, again. I'm sick of the effort. I'm sick of the starfuckers. I'm tired of conversations about nothing. I'm really fed up with sycophantic dialog when what we really want to say is "Hey, you're a tremendous fuck up and your mistakes are making other people miserable."

You can't even tell people they suck anymore.
I'm bored with the people I love, disappointed in my acquaintances even though they've done nothing wrong. My life breeds ennui like stagnant pools of water breed mosquitoes.

There are so many things I want to give. But I have nothing.

Shape up, or ship out.
What does the air taste like way over there? 

sleepy and sheepy

Ask me a question about each of the following:
1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Music
4. Drugs
5. Love
6. LiveJournal
7. Other

. . . no matter how rude, sexual, or confidential.... just ask it!

FnL Unemployment

There's a certain school of thought that says you have to run towards life. That you must embrace it in all its weirdness and hideous glory in order to fully understand the nature of why we crawled out from the primordial slop in the first place. I never did very well in school. 
Perhaps this explains why I constantly choose safety and comfort in lieu of genuine experience. I would think that someone of my demeanor and personality would be quick to find excitement and adventure in each and every corner that it lurks, but the truth is always such a pale copy of what happens in my head, and the heads of most other people, I imagine, that I'm more apt to walk the boring line than hurtle towards space in a rocket ship of histrionic insanity. There's a way to appear disaffected by all that life slops in our buckets, and a way to actually be unmoved by a banal day to day existence. I am terrified to believe that I have become one of those losing souls. In every tale there is a villain, and it may be that fear is mine, dooming me in all finality. But perhaps ennui will win out the role as my Snidely Whiplash and I can overcome this ulcerous, miserable little bump on life and move forward with the chest beating hope of a beast that strives to evolve one step further, picks up his bone club and beats his enemies to death in a defiant cry towards the rest of the universe. 

quitters

define.
defy.
defile.

but don't delete.

you can pretend that you weren't here, but that doesn't make it true.

Prophetic Words

The larger the mob, the harder the test. In small areas, before small electorates, a first-rate man occasionally fights his way through, carrying even the mob with him by force of his personality. But when the field is nationwide, and the fight must be waged chiefly at second and third hand, and the force of personality cannot so readily make itself felt, then all the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the most devious and mediocre — the man who can most easily adeptly disperse the notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum. 

The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. 

July 26, 1920
H.L. Mencken
in the Baltimore Evening Sun.



Nostrodamus ain't got shit on him.

I get so much done at work now

Hymn and Her

I’ve shaken hands in foreign lands
And said my prayers to slaughtered lambs
Spent before their time in empty sacrifice
I’ve sat on cold, hard wooden benches
Let them scramble all my senses
Took their word for it all, and didn’t think twice
I’ve been warmed by summer sun
Stone still through times I’d choose to run
Filtered through a stained glass illusion
I’ve sang the saints in litany
Petitioned them to leave me be
And let me find my own way through confusion

Heaven’s not a world above
A place away from all I love
I’ve found it on my own inside her eyes

The holy word still goes unheard
It bides its time in hearts interred
Trampled down by minds without reflection
Faith misplaced and love misspent
Ignoring what was Heaven sent
Making rules instead of following directions
I don’t need their absolution
Love is such a clear solution
I know that in my heart this much is true
Spare the candle, book, and bell
I found my own way out of hell
And I can’t wait to shout it unto you

Heaven’s not a world above
A place away from all I love
I found in on my own right on her lips

Blame me, call it heresy
Shake your head then leave me be
Life will go on fine without your blessing
Mine is such a state of grace
Each time I get to see her face
I find truth while you just go on guessing
Now I lay me down to sleep
And pray my love will grow and keep
I’ll give her everything to have and hold
All she is is my obsession
This will be my last confession
I don’t need you now she’s saved my soul

Heaven’s not a world above
A place away from all I love
I found it on my own inside her arms


Heaven’s not a world above
Heaven’s not a world above
Heaven’s not a world above
It’s all the time I’m with her

3.21.06
Manic

song maybe. poem, I dunno.

Baby fat baby

you’re playing a dangerous game
and it sounds like a dangerous song
and when I shake off this baby fat baby
I swear I’ll start playing along

your face is angelic before me
even when cast in the red light
and the songs that you sing are breaking my heart
‘cause you’re only mine for the night

I shirked off each obligation
my pools are all leaves and decay
but if I thought for a second it would sway you
I'd shake it all off and jump anyway

there’re parts of you that never sing
like parts of me that always fade
and even in darkness I’ve never shone brighter
than the notes that you’ve never played

I’m singing a dangerous song
while playing a dangerous game
if I ever shake off this baby fat baby
then you’ll remember my name
I’ll make sure you remember my name

3.14.06
manic