You grew up fast now you'll die soon

people age in crazy ways
how they spend their nights and days
scornful, branding others broken
misreading love or how it's spoken

people age in painful leaps
with no regard to how time creeps
giving out or giving in
their years in such a shocking sin

people age with too much vigor
expectations pull the trigger
all the guns they point at those
who live away from what age chose

people age with no forgiveness
nor memory for the younger business
getting on with life it seems
means give up all your childhood dreams

people age in furious bounds
yet to a man it still confounds
when life is dealt its final yawn
our time is up, and where's it gone?

manic 

no matter what you may have heard...

the truth is, I'm afraid of the consequences. I don't do, and do, so many things just to avoid confrontation that I don't even know why I act the way I act. I'm this strange mix of coward and masochist. I don't want to suffer, and yet I behave like it's everything that I desire.

constantly on the run from the faces I want to kiss
forever in debt to the dollars I spare and give away
always writing the lies I don't want to speak
or is it the truths?

one day I will finally grow into what I aspire. At least I believe in that. And when I do, all of this bullshit will have not been in vain.

manic 

After three years you'd think I could wake up smiling. Where am I and where have I been? Drifting in and out of my days, finding whatever relief I can. Mostly turning off my mind.
Last night I told Ann that I like her, that I would like to get to know her better. I never really got a reaction, or at least one I could discern from her normal, extroverted gaiety.

Then I almost got into a fight. At the pub.
Which I never want to do.
Last night just became a mess.

I deserve whatever I get.

what's harder than impossible?

there is no event no eventually no even
no no no it's all a mistake. it wasn't supposed to go down this way. I had it all planned out, new job, steady routine, then I meet the girl who tears me out of my skin again. it's not you. I'm not ready yet. and besides, I just wanted to start crushing, not have all this damn potential.

~~~~~~~~~

a little piece of you just walked in my mind
like a bit of music I haven't heard in years
it seems familiar, but so far behind
catching up to me with each of my tears

I've been scared before, but not for this long
I've been alone before and that's not what hurts
every time I try it ends up all wrong
trying to ease the pain only makes it worse

the impossibility of being together
has got to be easier than being apart
just say the word and I'll love you forever
I'm just waiting for the music to start



manic 

it was a great day on Jesus' ranch

we must seek other words that mean as much as love

some level of respect, admiration, and commitment that falls in between liking and loving. move into the grey areas of passion and dedication. the small lines on the measuring stick.

or maybe I am just no longer capable of the big love I used to know. now I embrace all things casual. if I were more desirable I might lean toward the predatory side of dating. I'm a womanizer with no women. or not.

I believe I can still do it. fall in love.

i think i can ... i think i can ... i think i can 

sentimental floss

everlong

sometimes it does seem that way. I try and think maybe some kind of god will take care of things for me. then I remember that line in Unforgiven, "Deserve's got nothing to do with it"

gotta promise not to stop when I say when

i can't come up with what a woman would really mean to me. the right woman, or even the wrong one. if anything. last week seemed a good indication that i still long for someone. a thousand different someones every day. I'm too crush-weary to be specific. time hasn't done its job on every wound. I don't remember much, except that it felt right. every moment with her felt right.

and she sang

i'm anxious, and nervous, and making plans to take myself out of the game already. i hate playing games when it comes to this stuff anyway. i'll at least be the kind of man I feel good about. Life won't take that away from me again. even in moments of weakness I'll breathe in strength and understanding.

ob-la-fucking-dee 

not that manhattan

the rumors are definitely not true. but I can't testify to anything because the facts aren't clear. my memory is blurred. long day, sore muscles, pills, shots, pints, some new drug called "pretty girl talking to me"

about what? good question.

hmm. work, gambino names, places, why Italy, she did her best to be herself, with astonishing precision. flawless flirtation.

and her cb'ing office buddy. what was his name? yeah pal, I get it. she came here with you. ok, grabby guy, we're having a conversation.
down boy.

he's a lucky dog.

from end to beginning: _____zzzzzz. bed. car. booth. (I don't remember.) gotta go. Keep them guys away. Ciao. Italy. Chicago. Money. Foundation. Invitations. Bloomburg. NYC. Graphic Designer. I'm older, no, I'm older. Ally, like Ally McBeal. Sit down, you're making me nervous.

or did it start before that? 

say everything?

in the waning hours of the day, when the light is magical for hollywood dps, and the thoughts that we manage to keep at bay through work, or food, or drink, or whatever we ply ourselves with come flooding back at us, I think of a girl. or should I say, girls.

surprise surprise surprise

I think of a girl that I loved, and then I think of one who claimed to love me. the circumstances expertly arranged to make a liar out of me. the boy who claimed to fully embrace love, who made it a holy thing. who faltered.

then I think of a girl who I loved without knowing it. she put her heart in the hands of a cheap-suited used car salesman of love. she knew what she wanted, got it, and left. she's the one that frightened me into thinking that I could actually be happy, and maybe it was my fault that I'm not. I think of her every day.

I think of the girls that touched me, for their own reasons, and didn't like the feel or the fit. or maybe decided it wasn't worth all the effort. I know I don't make it easy for anyone.

finally I think about the girl who makes me wait. she already knows about her power, and doesn't wield it cruelly or without regard for the consequences. so far away, she holds court for her subject of one. in her kingdom of words and emotions. the queen of hearts. I've already told her how I feel. how long it's been since the last time I felt it. how much I like it. maybe I can just be happy.

---------

I watched Say Anything again. listened to John Cusack and Cameron Crowe talk about how Lloyd Dobler chose optimism as a revolutionary act. He CHOSE to be happy and make the best out of the world as he found it. That, above all other sentiments in the movie, is what makes it so special to me. It is truly something to which I aspire. 

deny everything

i'm just a spoke in a wheel
a part of a puzzle
part of the game
i'm being framed


it rained, I worked anyway. saw orange county, it was pleasantly mediocre. then the circle jerks.

it's been a long time coming. and well worth the wait. perhaps I've gotten closure on a portion of my life, but I'm not ready to hang up the gloves like Michael. it still works. I still love coming out of a show with that buzz,batteries charged.

hey ladies, get funky.

time to start again, I'm gonna get a jump start on spring and maybe be a little friendlier before the weather brightens my disposition. I will CHOOSE to be happy, or at least happier.

and I have nothing to hide, so, yeah, maybe I should work on that. maybe I should have a secret love, or a clandestine affair, or even a crush. it's not my fault that I'm a misfit, but it's not like I do a whole lot of trying either.

damn I hope I can still rock out like those old bastards I saw tonight when I'm in my forties. and beyond.
music is the answer.

manic