Some Things I Know
(but there are far more things I do not know)
I know a bit about time
I first learned it, as we all do, in that moment
when the blurry, unexpected image that we cannot yet
define as "mother," but instinctively associate
with safety and love, leaves our useless infant vision
and then returns
I know things happen in their own time
but I do not know how to reconcile the fact that with
a smart phone and browser I can instantly peruse the entirety of
mankind's learning and experience up until right now,
yet it took me months to understand or accept that I am
still in love with you
I know that matters very little, but I do not know
why time is not on my side
Despite what I know about time, I do not know how
a clock or a watch functions; that is, if they did not exist
already, I would not know how to invent them
I would never know the patience it takes to place each small
movement in alignment with another so perfectly
that our time could be kept like a gift
I can look at a clock's face and immediately know a great many things,
though I can look at your face for days and never know
what you are thinking, or what your impression of me is,
or if your wistful look has anything at all to do with us
I know that I am not what you want, even if, by some
miracle, I became what you need
I do not know what I could do to become either of those things
So I don't know that I could ever explain duality, though a possibility
exists that I am part of one
In sixth grade I was given instruction in orienteering,
but I do not know the purpose of a compass in a world
where asphalt trails outnumber dirt trails, or where 31 computers
hovering in space can tell me, to within 20 feet, how close
I am to you at any given moment
I don't know how close I should be
and I don't know how to get closer
I know that for many years we did not see each other at all,
and you were often far away
I know this was a good thing for us, though I don't know why I believe that
I know that the world keeps turning,
but I do not know if this is why I keep coming back to you
I know that you don't like to be touched,
at least, not in the way that I enjoy touching
I do not know if there is a way to overcome that
I don't know if you could ever give me a more sensual greeting
than you did three nights ago without even trying
I know that I want to spend most of my time with you,
but I don't know how you would take hearing that
I also don't yet know how to be near you without being awkward or
without letting the past weigh on every second of now
Sometimes I lose my breath
I know it is because of how nervous I still am around you
I did not know until
recently that I could breathe clumsily
I don't know how long I can keep this secret that
seemingly everyone knows
I don't know how I am going to go on when the dream ends
I know there is no such thing as perfection, but I don't know how
much longer I can believe that with you in my life
As I said, I know it doesn't really matter anyway,
but I don't know how to wake up anymore
and go through my days
and do all the things I know I must
unless I am allowed to, I don't know, love you
10.25.11
