what is a journal like?

I get so happy when I write something. something that i LIKE.
and I actually go to bed happy with something I created, until tomorrow when I read it and think I should have written this instead ofthat.

but this is always the way it goes when I watch something that stirs me. such a thing is Adaptation. it is one of those things that make me want to create. it is truly inspirational. i am reminded of why I love saying something in my own way, of communicating with my words, in the manner that I had grown accustomed to in high school, then dabbled in a bit more. And now only visits infrequently, when i'm prodded by outside forces.

movies like Adaptation, and less recently Waking Life, are perfect examples of exactly what it means to be creative. i love creative. but they also manage to be interesting and I have come to realize that the two don't always have a beautiful union. the fruits of a great deal of creativity are bitter to taste and rotten to the rest of the senses. the subjectivity of art is what makes it such a meaningful thing, but it also creates the danger inherent in pinning your life on it.

when I'm really honest with myself, I find that I'm not a creative person, because creating carries a responsibility of labor and nurture. I'm a sort of lottery winner when it comes to invention and art. If I stumble across a great idea, then I'll damn well turn the ticket in, so long as I don't have to make a great effort to get there. this is the main reason why I work at a bar and don't ever show my screenplays to anyone. anyone who thought slackers were a cultural branding created by a lazy media need look no further than me. I am slack. I accomplish nothing. I don't try, I don't work, I don't make progress. I languish, for lack of a better word, and wait to live.

but I really, really love what I never, ever do. 

always on my mind...

I wanna bite the hand that feeds me. 
I wanna bite that hand so badly. 
I want to make them wish they'd never seen me.