Interesting couple of days. Thursday I went to my first poetry slam. Ran into John Allen. I got roped into judging. There was some really good stuff there. And then there wasn't. Sick of it All and Vision was awesome. Sunday I saw American History X. It was a really good movie, but there was a fire drill about 20 minutes in that really fucked with the experience.
I need to get this screenplay out of my head and onto the page. Money is tight and Christmas is coming. What else is new?

Saw a preview for Star Wars Episode I yesterday. Can't wait for the movie now. Still anxious to try the snowboard. Been working on my final project for TV class. Hopefully I'll get a first draft of the script done over break.
Going to see Sick of it All this friday. It's been over two years, far too long. Been doing the retro thing and listening to a lot of hardcore lately. Remembering the "good old days."
Yeah, right.

It's been a year. I've been at the Trentonian since April. It's a good job, but the new publisher is fucking it all up. I've been sweating this girl Nikki at CD World for a few months, and I actually asked her out. She said (and I quote), "I'm seeing someone, not a boyfriend, but I don't think it would be right." The not a boyfriend thing has puzzled me for weeks. I got a snowboard. Can't wait to go. I miss Brian terribly. I'm such an asshole for ever joining the army. I've wished he were here every day since I got out. Going to Mercer County College. And maybe one day I'll finish my script "A.D." But, once again, I'm not going to hold my breath.

I am the most despicable person in the world.
If self-loathing was an olympic sport, I
would be an horrific amalgamation  of
Jesse Owens and Jim Thorpe
This new acid is the worst nightmare
It burns without leaving a scar
We need the scars
They are badges, tougher than our skin and lies
They protect us from the next time...
"I'll know better"
This new acid seeps in through the
gaps in our memory, the faults in our
logic, the pores in our skin
And there are no symptoms and it
just keeps burning.

a locked mental ward @ Ft. Benning, Georgia

the doors are locked
the lights are on, but dimmed
the phone rings the walls are neutral
noting septic or sharp
outside, people are building, or tearing down
the deconstruction of this place is a
fantasy that leaves me smiling
maybe that's because I'm not used to
doors that lock from the outside

maybe I'm being taught instead of treated
or maybe I'm making an example of them
I can't hate these people because I brought this on myself
But I am not above spoiling them so that
life hurts when they grow up

Leaving for basic training.

No sense in worrying about it now. The tone and content of this diary may be undergoing serious changes soon.

It's 5 am. I am in a lobby at the Holiday Inn in Runnemede, NJ. Shortly I will be going back to the Federal Building in Philly for a physical exam to compliment the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery test that I took yesterday. Still not sure I can go through with this. This morning, as I woke up, I experienced what I believe was a moment of absolute lucidity. I saw myself not being able to deal with military life any better than it could deal with me.

Today I joined the army.
I have no words.
Life will begin or end soon.