end

New Year’s Eve

Three hundred sixty-four nights
I lay in bed all alone
Feeling each moment completely
As they’re parceled out to my flesh and my bones

With you as the blue in my sky
But never the silk in my hands
I know your beauty will always surround me
Even if it’s warming some other man

    I’ve got dreams just like anyone
    And years to bring them to life
    So I’m saying now if I see you somehow
    I’d like to kiss you at midnight

The only things that stand between us
Are mountains and rivers and dirt
They expand and contract just like breathing
Keeping you curious, keeping me hurt

Promises, Dares, and Desire
All have a part in my play
Speaking the lines for Temptation
Convincing me you wouldn’t send me away

    I’ve got a spirit like anyone
    Ready and willing to fight
    So I’m saying now if I can get there somehow
    I’d like to kiss you at midnight

Three hundred sixty-five days
Ran right on past and then died
I can’t let even one more go by
Not a day or a breath unless you’re by my side

With you as the blue in my sky
But still not the silk in my hands
I know your beauty will always surround me
And I’m coming to you as soon as I can

    I’ve got a heart just like anyone
    A soul that’s about to take flight
    So I’m saying now that I’ll be there somehow
    I’m gonna kiss you at midnight
    I’m gonna hold you at midnight
    I’m gonna tell you I love you at midnight tonight

12/29/06
-manic 

Proving once again that timing is everything...

Horoscope for Aries:

You may be so blinded now by your own needs that you could blur the lines between your ambitions and need for sexual satisfaction. You are attracted to danger as your desire to flush your system with adrenalin overtakes your logical mind. It's okay to push your own boundaries, but be conscious and cautious about intruding into someone else's safe space. 
Monday, December 18, 2006



edit*
Ambition and anger will disappear when you stop concerning yourself with the fruit of your actions. - Buddha 
(buddhist thought of the day for Sunday)

with stolen wings and evil ways

These are the darkest hours of all
Not from the lack of lustre
Not from the dull sheen, uneven from wear
but from the consuming darkness within
Sixty minutes of time that actually consumes the light
It begins on these nights.
When attempts are made, ventures,
journeys
And still nothing. The most awful horror and failure.
Like an empty chamber, you initiate an action and nothing happens.
All living smiles die and unborn smiles drown in their womb.
Even the best of friends, the truest of all companions
cannot mend this breach. 
With a pure heart and a wagging tail he is still unable to touch
the core of me, and I have no one to blame.

I'd like it to be you.
I'd like to imagine that. Even though it convicts me,
and holds my heart up to ridicule.
I'd like to imagine that you'll see this and ache with pity for me,
even as you're warmed by how you still hold me.
My every weakness is compacted, hardened, and aged.
Diamonds for the next explorer to traverse.
I've bartered all my anger and given away outright all
the implements that drew lines between us.
There is no longer any evidence that it meant anything at all.
It's just my word against yours

11*18*06
manic

it's been a long time

I don't regret the time we spent 
but I do regret the day we met 
Because I've learned my lesson and I've learned it well
now there's no more secrets for you to tell 
For all it's worth 
For all it's worth
For all it's worth
I'm still dreaming and feeling without you

news

"We have no difficulty in dealing with Bush and his administration because they resemble the regimes in our countries, half of which are ruled by the military and the other half by the sons of kings. They have a lot of pride, arrogance and thievery. [Bush] adopted despotism and the crushing of freedoms from Arab rulers - calling it the Patriot Act under the guise of combating terrorism." 


Osama Bin Laden said this shortly after the September 11th attacks. Sounds like he knows our president a whole lot better than our president knows him. No wonder they can't find him.

big picture

Over the weekend I. . .

1. Watched the original Star Wars trilogy on DVD. Amazing.

2. Ate my first deep fried Twinkie. 8,000,000 calories never tasted so good.

3. Got to see the Giants pull out a win over the Eagles. Life is awesome.

so does it matter that I'm broke and need a new car, that I'm prolly gonna be getting royally screwed at work, that I still can't afford to get out of my house, that I'm not at all confident in my score on the police exam, or that there's a mysterious cyst in my throat?

nah, probably not.

wow

it took me 32 years to realize that what I want doesn't matter.

calendar girl

I've deviated, but I'm not a deviant.
I'm sick of the routine, again. I'm sick of the effort. I'm sick of the starfuckers. I'm tired of conversations about nothing. I'm really fed up with sycophantic dialog when what we really want to say is "Hey, you're a tremendous fuck up and your mistakes are making other people miserable."

You can't even tell people they suck anymore.
I'm bored with the people I love, disappointed in my acquaintances even though they've done nothing wrong. My life breeds ennui like stagnant pools of water breed mosquitoes.

There are so many things I want to give. But I have nothing.

Shape up, or ship out.
What does the air taste like way over there? 

sleepy and sheepy

Ask me a question about each of the following:
1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Music
4. Drugs
5. Love
6. LiveJournal
7. Other

. . . no matter how rude, sexual, or confidential.... just ask it!

FnL Unemployment

There's a certain school of thought that says you have to run towards life. That you must embrace it in all its weirdness and hideous glory in order to fully understand the nature of why we crawled out from the primordial slop in the first place. I never did very well in school. 
Perhaps this explains why I constantly choose safety and comfort in lieu of genuine experience. I would think that someone of my demeanor and personality would be quick to find excitement and adventure in each and every corner that it lurks, but the truth is always such a pale copy of what happens in my head, and the heads of most other people, I imagine, that I'm more apt to walk the boring line than hurtle towards space in a rocket ship of histrionic insanity. There's a way to appear disaffected by all that life slops in our buckets, and a way to actually be unmoved by a banal day to day existence. I am terrified to believe that I have become one of those losing souls. In every tale there is a villain, and it may be that fear is mine, dooming me in all finality. But perhaps ennui will win out the role as my Snidely Whiplash and I can overcome this ulcerous, miserable little bump on life and move forward with the chest beating hope of a beast that strives to evolve one step further, picks up his bone club and beats his enemies to death in a defiant cry towards the rest of the universe. 

quitters

define.
defy.
defile.

but don't delete.

you can pretend that you weren't here, but that doesn't make it true.

Prophetic Words

The larger the mob, the harder the test. In small areas, before small electorates, a first-rate man occasionally fights his way through, carrying even the mob with him by force of his personality. But when the field is nationwide, and the fight must be waged chiefly at second and third hand, and the force of personality cannot so readily make itself felt, then all the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the most devious and mediocre — the man who can most easily adeptly disperse the notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum. 

The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. 

July 26, 1920
H.L. Mencken
in the Baltimore Evening Sun.



Nostrodamus ain't got shit on him.

I get so much done at work now

Hymn and Her

I’ve shaken hands in foreign lands
And said my prayers to slaughtered lambs
Spent before their time in empty sacrifice
I’ve sat on cold, hard wooden benches
Let them scramble all my senses
Took their word for it all, and didn’t think twice
I’ve been warmed by summer sun
Stone still through times I’d choose to run
Filtered through a stained glass illusion
I’ve sang the saints in litany
Petitioned them to leave me be
And let me find my own way through confusion

Heaven’s not a world above
A place away from all I love
I’ve found it on my own inside her eyes

The holy word still goes unheard
It bides its time in hearts interred
Trampled down by minds without reflection
Faith misplaced and love misspent
Ignoring what was Heaven sent
Making rules instead of following directions
I don’t need their absolution
Love is such a clear solution
I know that in my heart this much is true
Spare the candle, book, and bell
I found my own way out of hell
And I can’t wait to shout it unto you

Heaven’s not a world above
A place away from all I love
I found in on my own right on her lips

Blame me, call it heresy
Shake your head then leave me be
Life will go on fine without your blessing
Mine is such a state of grace
Each time I get to see her face
I find truth while you just go on guessing
Now I lay me down to sleep
And pray my love will grow and keep
I’ll give her everything to have and hold
All she is is my obsession
This will be my last confession
I don’t need you now she’s saved my soul

Heaven’s not a world above
A place away from all I love
I found it on my own inside her arms


Heaven’s not a world above
Heaven’s not a world above
Heaven’s not a world above
It’s all the time I’m with her

3.21.06
Manic

song maybe. poem, I dunno.

Baby fat baby

you’re playing a dangerous game
and it sounds like a dangerous song
and when I shake off this baby fat baby
I swear I’ll start playing along

your face is angelic before me
even when cast in the red light
and the songs that you sing are breaking my heart
‘cause you’re only mine for the night

I shirked off each obligation
my pools are all leaves and decay
but if I thought for a second it would sway you
I'd shake it all off and jump anyway

there’re parts of you that never sing
like parts of me that always fade
and even in darkness I’ve never shone brighter
than the notes that you’ve never played

I’m singing a dangerous song
while playing a dangerous game
if I ever shake off this baby fat baby
then you’ll remember my name
I’ll make sure you remember my name

3.14.06
manic

I'm Nick James, Bitch!

A hearty congratulations are in order to my sister and brother-in-law.
I'm an uncle.






Nicolas James Hamilton
b. 7:07pm
8 lbs 7 oz
20 inches long

and watch out ladies, he's single!