this depression is haunting me
i can't break free and i cannot be me
i don't know what to do
because there is no escape from your grasp
and you'll squeeze 'til i ooze from the cracks
but i come back for more
some strage magnetism drawing me to your core
i'm not capable of hate, so it seems
but i'm getting closer, closer, and closer
close enough to realize the pain caused
it seems to me that i'm not to blame
though my tears may fall like rain
i'm drowning in a sea of emotion
i'm drowning
and i'm trapped by my actions
and i can't break free
i'm falling prey to my emotions
what builds my feelings are the stones
from which you build the barrier between you and me
un-needed and not wanted
a mental wall that banishes me from you
i must destroy this wall
allowing us to see each other
for what we could be
or what we could have been . . .
the change of the seasons is usually good to me, so I can't work out why my mood is so f'ing down. i've been cycling between happy and fucking miserable with great frequency the last month or so, and my behavior is seldom indicative of my true mood. manic to the stark, white bone.
i think part of the problem is that I don't look for things anymore. part of what drove me as a teen was a search for something to believe in. it never really happened with a religion, despite my leanings toward zen, and the most pure thing I've ever put my faith in was music. it was my god for a good ten years. there's always been people who didn't understand why I would subject myself to the rigors of a hardcore pit, or the ugliness of a shit-stained scene for a night of sweaty, violent screaming and dancing. these days it's even less understood. most of the friends who were with me then have abandoned that type of fun for something a little less rigorous. but even at my age, with almost 15 years of shows and slamming under my belt, I still get that charge. all it takes is standing in the middle of a circle pit, with the world in chaos spinning around you, bodies clashing, limbs flying out in every direction, and I'm in the presence of god.
i should probably say for the record that my notion of god isn't really a supreme being, but the supreme state of all life - pure energy. I never studied physics or Einstein or any of that, but I do remember learning that energy never completely disappears, it just changes form. At a show, in the midst of all that energy, I'm a battery hooked up to a charger. I would equate it to the ecstasy people feel at revivals or faith healings. And if faith really can heal you, if the belief is what brings us back from the brink, then I know that music will save my soul. Now I just need to find someone to save my life.
manic
anyone who wants to be the central pre-occupation of my life, I'm currently taking applications
From The Sunday Times
August 18, 2003
MEN are doomed to extinction, victims of the decaying human Y-chromosome, the only piece of DNA men possess and women do not.
So says Bryan Sykes, professor of human genetics at Oxford University, in a book that envisages the "Sapphic reproduction" of women by genetic manipulation.
A "genetic ruin littered with molecular damage", the Y-chromosome cannot repair itself, nor arrest the steadily accumulating damage, he reports in Adam's Curse.
"Like the face of the moon, still pitted by all the craters from all the meteors that have ever fallen onto its surface, Y-chromosomes cannot heal their own scars. It is a dying chromosome and one day it will become extinct."
The decline of the Y-chromosome has been well chronicled. What is new is Professor Sykes's description of the implications and the stark choices for the human race.
He says that because the chromosome's main function is switching on male embryos in the womb, its demise means the final curtain for men.
By his estimate, the male will go belly-up in about 125,000 years.
But he cautions ultra-feminists against rejoicing too soon.
"Destroying the male sex would be a very short-lived victory. Men are still required for breeding, if nothing else."
But not for much longer, if Professor Sykes's radical solution is adopted - abandon men altogether.
"From the genetic point of view, very little stands in its way," he says.
His strategy for perpetuating a new female race depends on tweaking the proven technique of injecting sperm into eggs. Instead, the nucleus from a second egg would be injected.
The only difference from any other birth would be that the baby would always be a girl. "The entire process has been accomplished without sperm, without Y-chromosomes and without men," Professor Sykes says.
The girls would not be clones, but would comprise the same mixture of their parents' genes, shuffled by recombination, as today's children. But there would be one major difference: both parents would be women.
It is almost bound to happen, says the professor, who can find no moral objection. "Men are now on notice," he says.
However, Professor Sykes does not speculate on what would pass for sex once men disappear.
so, thirty odd years of failure to recognize or believe in Allergies, and I have been humbled in the most sinister way possible. while I am not admitting to being the victim of any such ruse, there is no denying that I have had a bad reaction to something, and allergy or not, the histimine in my body ran riot over the weekend leaving me in a Rocky Dennis / John Merrick state.
for those of you with weak stomachs, this is the time to look away.
this is how I felt all day Sunday, Monday, and still kinda feel today.
send sympathy my way, I'm swollen but not swell
