I am the most despicable person in the world.
If self-loathing was an olympic sport, I
would be an horrific amalgamation  of
Jesse Owens and Jim Thorpe
This new acid is the worst nightmare
It burns without leaving a scar
We need the scars
They are badges, tougher than our skin and lies
They protect us from the next time...
"I'll know better"
This new acid seeps in through the
gaps in our memory, the faults in our
logic, the pores in our skin
And there are no symptoms and it
just keeps burning.

a locked mental ward @ Ft. Benning, Georgia

the doors are locked
the lights are on, but dimmed
the phone rings the walls are neutral
noting septic or sharp
outside, people are building, or tearing down
the deconstruction of this place is a
fantasy that leaves me smiling
maybe that's because I'm not used to
doors that lock from the outside

maybe I'm being taught instead of treated
or maybe I'm making an example of them
I can't hate these people because I brought this on myself
But I am not above spoiling them so that
life hurts when they grow up

Leaving for basic training.

No sense in worrying about it now. The tone and content of this diary may be undergoing serious changes soon.

It's 5 am. I am in a lobby at the Holiday Inn in Runnemede, NJ. Shortly I will be going back to the Federal Building in Philly for a physical exam to compliment the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery test that I took yesterday. Still not sure I can go through with this. This morning, as I woke up, I experienced what I believe was a moment of absolute lucidity. I saw myself not being able to deal with military life any better than it could deal with me.

Today I joined the army.
I have no words.
Life will begin or end soon.

I spent a good deal of today barefoot. The weather was perfect for a bar-bar-bar-bar-ba-bar-bar barbecue! Not bad. The new job at impact images is okay. I still would rather be on computers. I have to get ready to say goodbye again. Katie is leaving for California soon.

I start a new job tomorrow. Things shall get done. Bills shall be paid. Strides shall be taken. My life will change. HA HA.
For kicks I'm reading the bible again.
Hey, guess what!
I'm not gonna...
win a million dollars
be a rock star
sell a screenplay
I'm not...
E.E. Cummings
Quentin Tarantino
Henry Rollins
I am not a thing.
I am no thing.
I am nothing.
Nothing else, nothing less, nothing more.
Nothing worth mentioning.
Nothing to worry about.
Nothing worth writing down,
but I do it anyway.

Composition, then decay

Show me your belly
The weakest part
So I can punch through
the skin and use your heart
as my inkwell
So I can use my pen to
burn my brand right onto your bones
I will own you until you die
then I will forget you

I don't hate any one.
I hate everyone.
The whole wide world.
I hate the world so much it owns me.
I am a slave.
The world got me at auction.
As I hate it, it smiles.
Meanwhile, I seethe.
I sweat like a marathon runner.
So just remember, I'm lying when I smile.

I talk about it all the time. I can't get the desire out of me. Of course, I don't do a fucking thing about it. I want to make music so much sometimes it hurts. I love the feeling and the energy.

It seems like I only write in this thing when I think I've made some grand decision or I just plain make myself. Two distinct states of mind.

Can you guess which one I'm in now?

I saw Star Wars today.